Cubicle Conundrum - Day 74

N: How long has Low Self-Esteem Guy been in the conference room?

Q: About 6 hours.

N: Wow.

Q: I think he’s in ‘The Zone of no return.’

N: Oh my god! Not THE zone of no return?

Q: That’s the one.

N: Oh wow. I didn’t know that still happened.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: What’s ‘The Zone of no return’?

Q: Oh my god. He doesn’t know.

N: Well, Under-utilized and overrated resource number two, ‘The Zone of no return’ is when you’re in a voice conference and then suddenly there’s an awkward pause. Neither of you say anything and slowly the gap of time keeps growing. Eventually, it reaches astronomical sizes and you can end up staying silent for hours together. Legend has it that this could even last for days, months or years.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: That’s ridiculous. Why doesn’t one of them just speak up?

N: Well if either speaks now, it will mean they could have said the same thing hours ago and that would make the speaker look bad.

Q: And nobody wants to look bad.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: This is really ridiculous. I’m not falling for it.

Q: Well it’s true.



N: Wait! Low Self-Esteem Guy is holding up a piece of paper against the door. What does it say?

Q: He wants some food and a toothbrush.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: You people are ridiculous.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: This is history in the making.

Q: I’ll get the camera.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 73

N: I just received a mail asking me for an “accurate estimate” of the time I will take to finish my task.

Q: Accurate estimate? That’s an oxymoron.



N: Sure is. Just like “bug fix”.

Q: Or “civil war”.

N: Or “crash landing”.

Q: Or “extremely calm”.



N: Yeah.

Q: Yeah.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Okay I’m out of oxymorons.

Q: Me too.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: This is “going nowhere”.

Q: That’s an acceptable “initial conclusion”.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: We will never be cool, will we?

Q: I “feel numb”.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 72

N: (whistle, whistle)

Q: ….



N: (whistle, whistle)

Q: ….



N: (whistle, whistle)

Q: Do you mind not whistling, please? I’m working.

N: Oh. Sorry.

Q: Thanks.



N: (sigh)

Q: ….

N: (knuckle crack)

Q: ….

N: (pen tapping on desk)

Q: ….

N: (puts speaker-phone on and off again and again)



Q: Gah!! Just whistle, will you!

N: Alright, alright. Relax. I’ll be quiet.



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: (whistle, whistle)

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 71

Q: Well that had to be one of my worst presentations ever.

N: Oh come on. It wasn’t THAT bad.

Q: You don’t have to make me feel better, N. I know it was horrible.

N: No, no. It wasn’t.

Q: You can be honest. I can take constructive criticism.



N: Well it was horrible.

Q: Yeah.

N: I mean ridiculously horrible.

Q: Okay.

N: I mean so ridiculously horrible you would imagine levels that low didn’t exist.

Q: I get it.



N: I mean seriously. Even if you tried to imagine the worst precedent for a presentation, you would still not be able to come up with something like that.

Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….

N: I mean –

Q: Okay!! I get it!!



N: ….

Q: ….



N: On the bright side, you DID say ‘excuse me’ when you burped.

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 70

Q: Wanna play a game?

N: Oh well. What game?

Q: We use sentences to describe each other except that sentence MUST contain the sound of our names. It’s like verbal jousting.



N: As in?

Q: Well I might say, “Your level of being ridiculous has no N.” where I mean to use “N” as the word “end”. Then if you can’t come up with a reply for me in the same way, you lose.

N: Oh. So basically we’re using the other’s name to cleverly insult him.

Q: Yeah.



N: Alright.

Q: Shall we play?

N: Sure.

Q: Wanna start?

N: Glad to.

Q: Okay, go.



N: You’re a @#$%, Q.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: That’s not how it works.

N: I like this game. Can I start again?

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 69

Q’s Lessons in Managing Work Relationships:



***



Hi. Today we’ll be dealing with ‘Happiness’ or ‘Joy’. Many times at work, or a few times in the case of a Software Engineer, you will find reasons to be happy.



***



Q: Wow. I just got put in Performance band “A” for my work so far.

N: Really?

Q: Yeah this is great!



***



It is however, important to keep your emotions under control. Demonstrating too much happiness tends to de-motivate those around you who might not have received the same reason to be happy.



***



N: Well this is a good thing. I’m happy for you.



***



Always acknowledge well wishers, especially if this places you in a better position than them. Some modesty would help. Being modest puts you back on equal terms and in good terms with your colleague. Being modest by saying your achievement isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, invites some deserving praise from your colleague, followed by a friendly end to the conversation…



***



Q: Thank you, N. But we all know these ratings don’t really mean anything anyway.

N: Hmm you’re right. You should stop wasting your time and get back to work.



***



…Unless your colleague is N.



***

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 68

N: Did you hear? 6 people quit my project last week.

Q: Wow.

N: Yeah. This attrition is getting to be ridiculous!

Q: I don’t understand it.



N: It’s simple. Money. That’s what everyone wants.

Q: Yeah money-minded heartless people.

N: Self-centered mercenaries.

Q: Totally. It’s all about money.

N: Money, money, money.

Q: Shame.

N: Real shame.



(Some moments pass)



N: Q, would you quit if somebody paid you more?

Q: Well.. how much more?

N: Does it matter?

Q: No I’d quit.

N: Me too.

Q: I like mercenaries.