Cubicle Conundrum - Day 67

Understanding the Cubicle Male



***

The Cubicle Male will often be spotted treading the well marked path to the coffee machine. Like many of his species, the Cubicle Male will often arrive at the coffee machine to join a queue of others already at the scene.

***



N: Great. This is going to take forever.

Q: I know. Why does everybody need coffee right now?

N: There’s about fifteen other people ahead of us!



***

In normal circumstances, such crowds often disperse as each member quickly fills the company provided coffee-drinking-facilitating utensil and leaves. However, there are exceptions.

***



N: We haven’t moved an inch in five minutes. What’s taking so long?

Q: I don’t know. I can’t see the machine from here.

N: They better not be out of coffee.



***

Notice how the Cubicle Male shows an increased level of aggression and frustration at the delay. Delays caused by fellow Cubicle Companions have a very low tendency to be tolerated.

***



N: Did that guy just cut-in the line? Hey! You! Back of the line, buddy. Bunch of #$%@^.

Q: Yeah get some sense of professionalism! Jerk!



***

However, there are exceptions too.

***



Q: Is that B?

N: (sigh) Yes it is. She looks great today.

Q: As always.

N: Did she just cut-in line too?

Q: It’s okay we can’t look at her if she’s behind us.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 66

N: I’m upset with Low Self-Esteem guy.

Q: Why? What happened?

N: He just doesn’t know when to shut up.

Q: Oh?



N: I was talking to my boss about my work and all of a sudden he barges in and starts telling me how wonderful my typing technique is.

Q: Wow.

N: Yeah. My boss couldn’t stop laughing.

Q: That sucks.

N: I know.



(A few moments pass)



Q: Oh my god. I just found out my project might be shelved.

N: Wow. As in cancelled?

Q: Yeah. This is terrible.

N: Yeah. It is.



(Seconds later)



N: Knock. Knock.

Q: ….

N: Come on. Knock Knock.

Q: So you were mad at Low Self-Esteem Guy for not knowing when to shut up?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 65

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: N, I would like to discuss some issues with you.

N: Oh?



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: I feel that you are demonstrating far too much negativity towards me.

N: No I’m not. I’m definitely not negative.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: I think you are undermining my abilities as a competent software engineer.

N: You mean you can talk on the phone AND click at the same time?



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: You don’t take me seriously when I offer my point of view. Actually, you don’t even consider that I even HAVE a point of view.

N: That’s rubbish, Under-utilized and overrated resource number two.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: ….

N: ….



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Could you please stop calling me that, especially in the context of this conversation?



N: The context of this conversation is relative with respect to our points of view. While you have been expressing your thoughts on how you feel my treatment of you as an individual in your own right is unfair and possibly biased to some degree, I have been imagining the different ways a human being can arrange forty seven matchsticks to form a perfect replica of various deciduous trees.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: ….

N: ….



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Why do I even bother?

N: See, now THAT is a question you really should be asking.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 64

Q: ..and then I finally managed to get it done in time. This job is really getting on my nerves.

N: I know how you feel.

Q: I can’t wait for the day I quit.

N: Same here.



Glass Half-full Guy: I couldn’t help overhearing you two. This job is great. Why would you want to quit? Life’s a gift. This job is a wonderful blessing you’ve been given and you must treasure it.

Q: We aren’t paid well.

N: Free time is a luxury enjoyed once in seven years.

Q: And we have no social life.



Glass Half-Full Guy: Money is no object compared to the wealth of experience you’re gaining. Why have a social life when work can be your best friend? Isn’t it wonderful that you’re in a job where you’re involved with your best friend every day? Besides, seven years is nothing considering with the right diet and combination of rejuvenating exercises, you can live till you’re one hundred and seventy two years old. We need to embrace one another as comrades and realize that every dark cloud has a silver lining. We are kindred souls. We are birds of a feather. We must share a bond that lasts a lifetime. We must be willing to die for each other.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Well I really see your point now.

Glass Half-Full Guy: I’m so very glad, my friend.

N: So we’re comrades now?

Glass Half-Full Guy: We certainly are.



N: Die for me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Introducing Glass Half-Full Guy – Just another SE with the annoying habit of being an eternal optimist.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 63

Q: I think we’re really lucky to be doing what we do for a living.

N: Yeah?

Q: Yeah. Stimulating our brains and solving complex problems to make the customer’s life easier. Is there anything more noble?

N: Hmm.

Q: We make a difference.

N: Hmm.



Q: I feel really good now.

N: Wait. Tell me again why we’re lucky.



Q: We stimulate our brains.

N: No. We work mechanically.



Q: We solve complex problems.

N: It doesn’t count if we create those problems ourselves.



Q: We make the customer’s life easier.

N: By missing deadlines and handing out inferior software?



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: If you stay really quiet, we might be able to hear our hopes for a better life disappear.

N: Poof.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 62

Q: Bar was fun last night, huh?

N: Sure was.



Q: Did you manage to ask that woman out after I left?

N: Yeah but it didn’t go very well. I used my best line but she didn’t buy it.

Q: What’s your best line?

N: I walked up to her and said “Well hello there! You look very ‘High-Def’. We should interface because I have HDMI.”



Q: Oh god.

N: Yeah I can’t believe she didn’t get it.



Q: That’s a ridiculous line.

N: No it’s not.



Q: It’s jerks like you who make all software geeks look like stereotypical nincompoops who know nothing but technology.

N: Well I.. I didn’t see it that way..



Q: Sheesh! I mean come on! HDMI? What were you thinking?!

N: I.. I don’t know.



Q: Unbelievable! HDMI? Gosh!

N: Well I just thought it might work.



Q: I mean, seriously..EVERYBODY knows that USB is still the way to go!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 61

N: Do you think we’ve let our work take over our lives?

Q: No, I don’t think so. I think we’ve done a decent job of balancing our priorities.



N: Precisely. It’s not like we use terms from work instead of normal words.

Q: True. It’s not like we sit around all day here and just do the same at home.

N: Exactly. It’s not like we don’t have any place to unwind apart from the comfort of our homes.



Q: Yeah. It’s not like we haven’t been to any pubs or happening restaurants recently.

N: Hmm yeah. It’s not like we don’t have any friends.



Q: (nods)

N: (nods)



Q: It’s a shame some people live like that.

N: Yeah. That would be pathetic.

Q: Totally.

N: Absolutely.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: Do you want to hit a pub after work, friend?

N: Yes and eat at a new restaurant.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 60

N: I've got this REALLY important presentation tomorrow.

Q: Preparing hard, huh?

N: Yeah I spent the last seven hours learning 3D effects on this image editing software so I could come up with a background so impressive, that the content won't even matter.

Q: And how much content do you have?



N: I just put the topic on 74 different slides in varying shades of 16 colours. If I'm right, they should be asleep by the time I hit slide number two and they should wake up briefly at slides 16, 41 and 67 to amalgamate their false sense of intellect by asking me irrelevant and pseudo-intellectual questions which I plan on answering by employing clever acts of distraction and some sleight of hand which is not unlike those you would see performed by a very bad magician.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: That will never work.

N: Really?



Q: Yes. You can’t get away with a lack of content by trying cheap distractions.

N: I guess you’re right. These tricks aren’t going to work.

Q: Exactly.



N: Know where I can get a rabbit, a cape and a hat?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 59

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: ..which is why he wanted you to make sure that you have all of your pending work done ASAP.



N: I understand. So what you’re saying, Under-utilized and overrated resource number two, is that I need to finish my work as soon as possible, so that you can finish your work as soon as possible.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Yes.



N: You’re also saying that the current official deadline given to both of us does not reflect the dependency of our tasks and hence, it is unfair to you?

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Yes.



N: So while the unofficial deadline for my work has been advanced, I’m officially in a comfort zone which will allow me to finish this at my own pace, while dallying around with the time I have been given even if it is at your own peril?

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: ….

N: ….



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Your words have a natural predisposition to arousing hatred.

N: It’s a talent.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Is there a point in me asking you to call me by my name?

N: Nope.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Just checking.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 58

Q’s Lessons in Managing Work Relationships:



***



Hi. Today we’ll deal with ‘anger’. We all feel anger at some point. It’s important to know how to channel that anger. Losing control is never an option at the workplace. Anger is the short-cut to getting fired. Working poorly is the long way there.



Sometimes, you might feel tempted to let loose a barrage of expletives towards the person who is the focal point of your anger. It’s important to realize that this isn’t the right way to go about things. While an expletive is easy to utter and might even feel good, it is seldom the right way to resolve conflicts.



***



N: You left your donut unattended for more than 15 minutes. I ate it.



Q: That’s alright N,. While I disapprove of your act and while it has caused me certain distress, I am willing to let this slip by as long as you acknowledge my feelings in this situation.



N: Umm, okay.



***



Such a response makes sure that while you have conveyed your displeasure, you are still contributing to a productive work environment.



***

N: I forgot to mention your boss dropped by earlier. He said something about the deadline being advanced to 2.00 PM.



Q: It’s 3.30 now.



N: Oh. Oops.



***



Then again, sometimes expletives are the right way to go.



***



Q: #$%^&*!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 57

Q: I can't believe you're talking to Low Self-Esteem Guy.

N: Hey, he's here. Might as well use him.

Q: That's just wrong, N. You can't treat a human being like that.

N: (yawns)

Q: I think it's best if you stopped this before it gets out of control.

N: Let it go on for a little while. I'll stop later.

Q: I’m just saying that it’s not the right thing to do. You shouldn’t use him to build up your own sense of self-worth.

N: (Gesturing to Low Self-Esteem Guy as he walks past) Hey, I'd like you to meet Q. The one I told you about.

Q: (Reluctant polite grin)

Low Self-Esteem Guy: Q! Wow. You really seem like such an intelligent person from what N tells me. Your sense of morals and ethics coupled with your dedication to your job is something I can only aspire to remotely come close to some day. I’m positively ecstatic to finally have the chance to meet you! Oh what a wonderful day this is!



(Low Self-Esteem Guy leaves)



Q: ....

N: ....



Q: Well maybe we can talk to him for just a little while longer.

N: ‘We’?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 56

N: Wow. Who’s that over there by the coffee machine?

Q: (Looks) You don’t know her? That’s B. She’s been threatening to quit for the last 3 years.

N: B. Hmm.



Q: She looks great, huh?

N: Great? She looks FANTASTIC!

Q: (nods and stares, grinning devilishly)

N: (nods and stares, grinning devilishly)



Q: ….

N: ….


Q: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

N: (Nodding and grinning) Definitely!



Q and N together: Someone will get promoted when she leaves!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 55

Q: This is ridiculous.

N: What is?

Q: My team is meeting for the third time this week for a review on a module which has already been reviewed.



N: Maybe you guys changed it a bit.

Q: No. It’s all the same. Nobody changed anything. Last time it was with my boss’ boss’ boss. The time before that was with my boss’ boss.

N: Oh. And this time?

Q: This time they’re sitting together.



N: Wow. That is ridiculous.

Q: And we’re having yet another review next week.



N: (chuckling)Why? Is someone going to bring a pet along that hasn’t seen the demo yet?



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: Wow.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 54

N: I’m done! I’m actually done!

Q: Huh? What?

N: My work! I’m done for the day! I’m about to leave at Five ‘o Clock for the first time in months!!

Q: Well congratulations.



N: Thanks! Boy, this is going to be so good. I have the whole evening to myself. I can do everything I wanted to do but never had the chance!

Q: That’s awesome, N. Good for you.

N: Thanks! Well, see you tomorrow. I’m off to enjoy the rest of this evening; paint the town red; live my life again.

Q: Great. Bye.



N: ….

Q: ….

N: ….



Q: You’re going to go home, change into a sweatshirt, watch TV all night while you order Chinese food and try to recollect the exact moment that you lost any semblance of a social life, aren’t you?



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Maybe I can stay and help you out instead.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 53

Q: Guess what? My neighbor thinks somebody is performing voodoo on his dog.

N: His dog? Voodoo?

Q: Yes and yes.

N: Isn’t voodoo about performing some kind of black magic using a doll and some personal belonging of the target?

Q: That’s the one.

N: That’s ridiculous. On a dog, even! (laughing)



Q: I know. He wouldn’t listen to me. In fact he suggested I try using voodoo on people that annoy me. (laughing)

N: Oh that is funny! As if that mumbo-jumbo even exists!(laughing)

Q: (laughing)

N: (laughing)



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: I haven’t left any stuff of mine at your place have I?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 52

N: What are you doing?

Q: Finalizing my leave application. I’m taking a vacation after all.

N: Vacation? Nice.

Q: Yeah. One week.



N: A whole week? That’s nice.

Q: Yeah.

N: No emails, no phone calls..

Q: Yeah.

N: No programming, no testing..

Q: Yeah.

N: No deadlines..

Q: Yeah.



N: The piling up of pending tasks..

Q: ….

N: The inevitable squeezing in of a number of overlapping deadlines once you’re back..

Q: ….

N: Not to mention the amount of catching up to do on the project’s progress..

Q: ….

N: A hundred mails to sift through..

Q: Okay stop.

N: None of which will get the appropriate amount of attention from you..

Q: Enough.

N: You might delete the wrong one in a hurry which informs you of a deadline you missed..

Q: Ugh.

N: Or a review that went badly..

Q: Gah!!! Enough!! Shut up!



(a few minutes pass)



N: What are you doing?

Q: Cancelling. Vacations are too much stress.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 51

N: Do you notice how people from one career often identify themselves with people of another similar career?

Q: Hmm. What do you mean?

N: Well a security guard might identify himself with a cop. A dentist might identify with a neurosurgeon.

Q: Yeah I guess you’re right.



N: So who do you think will identify with us?

Q: Interesting question.

N: Yeah.

Q: Let’s see..



N: ….

Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: (sigh)

Q: (sigh)



N: I don’t blame them.

Q: Neither do I.