Cubicle Conundrum - Day 50

Q: Did you hear about the new guy they hired? He’s got no sense of self-worth and only exists to motivate the rest of us.

N: Oh?

Q: Yeah. Isn’t that horrible? Nobody’s talking to him because he ends up lavishing unrealistic amounts of praise and makes the person he’s talking to feel extremely guilty and sorry for him.

N: Oh.

Q: Yeah. We think it’s best to avoid him and not use him to unnecessarily make ourselves feel better at his expense.

N: Why would they hire a guy just for that? That’s almost cruel.

Q: Yeah. Well I’m off to a meeting now. I’ll be back later. (leaves)



(Few hours pass. Q returns)



N: …So that’s when I added this semicolon to the line of code and saved us from a major catastrophe.



Low Self-Esteem Guy: Wow, N. If only I could be even half of what you are. I can’t imagine having the mental composure and technical depth of knowledge to even comprehend such a simple solution to such a complex problem. I can really learn a lot from you. Please take me under your wing. Please help me reach your level of sheer unobstructed, awe-inspiring, humbling awesomeness.



N: Sure no problem. Now why don’t you get me a coffee? My awesomeness needs refueling.



(Low Self-Esteem Guy leaves)



Q: (Dumb-struck) ….

N: ….

Q: ….

N: In my defense, I said it was “almost” cruel.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Introducing Low Self-Esteem Guy – Just another SE with a non-existent sense of self-worth

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 49

Q: Well I’m going to need all the luck in the world tomorrow.

N: Why’s that?

Q: My project manager wants to gauge my understanding of the project so he’s scheduled a one-on-one tomorrow.

N: Oh.

Q: Yeah. He’s bound to find me lacking in some area or the other.



N: That’s a solvable problem.

Q: How?

N: Potential to be wrong is inversely proportional to your vagueness.

Q: Huh?

N: Be extremely vague. You can’t go wrong.

Q: Does it work?

N: Try it. Ask me questions about your project.



Q: Okay. Who’s our customer?

N: Well you see, sir, while our current product caters to one particular entity in the business world in that sector, our product has a potentially larger base it can reach out to. So I would like to think our customer is potentially everyone in this industry.

Q: What do you think is the best functionality we’re offering?

N: As far as functionality goes, I think our USP is our strongest feature as well.

Q: Our USP is our price.

N: Precisely. The price is only low because we’ve efficiently implemented our best functionality.



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: Wow. Is that how you’ve gotten this far?

N: I’ve done certain things to ensure certain situations pan out a certain way.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 48

N: Do you think bigfoot is real?

Q: You mean bigfoot as in the abominable snowman?

N: Yes.

Q: No I don’t think so.

N: Hmm.



N: Do you think there’s something supernatural going on in the Bermuda Triangle?

Q: I don’t think so. Disappearing planes is nothing strange in an ocean that big.

N: Hmm.



N: Do you think people can really move physical object with just their minds?

Q: Telekinesis?

N: Yeah.

Q: No I don’t think so. What’s with these questions on these highly improbable theories which will probably be proven to be hoaxes?



N: Just wondering.

Q: Hmm.



(a few moments pass)



N: Do you think you’ll ever get promoted?

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 47

Q: (On the phone’s keypad) –tap tap tap-

N: ….

Q: -tap tap tap-

N: Still saving the tiger through a social networking site?

Q: Yes. Now I’m inviting more people to my group.



N: How exactly does joining a group help?

Q: Well we can all blog about it now.

N: And how does blogging help?

Q: More people will realize what’s happening.



N: And how will that help?

Q: If people know the real price of what they’re buying, the buying will stop. So the killing will too.

N: What exactly do people buy that tigers are killed for?

Q: Well I don’t know for sure. The skin I suppose.



N: Don’t you think the people doing the buying already know it comes with the killing? It’s not like people think that tigers don’t need their skin.

Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: You’re welcome.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 46

Q: (On the phone’s keypad)-tap tap tap-

N: ….

Q: -tap tap tap-

N: What are you doing?

Q: Oh I’m trying to save the tiger from extinction.

N: Through your phone?

Q: Yes. I just became a fan of the ‘Save The Tiger’ group on a social networking site.



N: So this is going to help how?

Q: Well, people will save the tiger.

N: By joining a group on a social networking site?

Q: Yes.



N: Did you say ‘Save the Tiger’?

Q: Yes.

N: (Bursts into laughter)



Q: You must be quite insensitive to find something like this so funny.

N: No, it’s not that. I know you’re trying to save the tiger from extinction and everything, but it seems ironic to name a group like that with an anagram of ‘Gave the Rites’.



Q: ….

N: ..Or ‘The Veg Satire’

Q: ….

N: ….

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum – Day 45 – A tribute to (read ‘slap on the face of’) Quantum Physics

N: (Humming pleasantly)

Q: Someone’s in a good mood.

N: Yeah I’m meeting some guys from the physics club later on. We’re about to prove the existence of black holes.

Q: Wow. Conclusively?

N: Absolutely. We’re going to note our observations today and then work on the Mathematical proof later.



Q: What kind of observations?

N: Well obviously we can’t peer out into space using the telescopes we can buy at a local store, so we had to improvise. We found a perfect real-time live model here on earth to mimic the exact same behavior as that which could be found in a black hole.



Q: That’s really awesome. What are you observing?

N: I probably shouldn’t tell you. This is real cutting edge stuff.



Q: Come on. Give me something.

N: It’s code named Gee Mee Mopay.



Q: So if I had to guess, ‘Gee’ is for Gravitation. ‘Mee’ probably refers to mesons which are going to form a part of whatever quantum theory you will be using. The strands and fibers on a ‘Mop’ probably is an allusion to the string theory and ‘Ay’ is for Albert Einstein as a tribute?

N: ….

Q: You are talking about black holes right? What goes in never comes out? No sign of it ever going in either?

N: ….

Q: That same black hole which never really acknowledges the existence of what just happened?



N: Yes. That black hole. Except we’re observing my boss and his reaction to me saying “Give me more pay”. Your explanation sounds cooler though.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 44

Q: Interesting article here on ‘Analyzing the Context Sensitive Subjective Analysis of Analytics’. Did you have a look at it? It was written by someone on your team.

N: Haven’t gone through it. I don’t care for such things.

Q: Oh sure. Somebody writes a ground breaking article to be published in a foremost journal and you don’t think it’s a big deal.

N: That’s only because it isn’t a big deal.



Q: It is a big deal. This stuff is brilliant.

N: Blah blah blah. I’ve written hundreds of articles in my life and I can guarantee that all of those articles have appeared plenty of times in every major science and technology journal known to man.



Q: Oh come on, N! I’m not going to believe that.

N: It’s true.



Q: Alright name ONE article that has been published as many times as you claim.

N: I’ll give you three.



Q: Alright. Let me hear it.

N: “A”, “An” and “The”. Three articles which have appeared in every major journal known to man. Also three articles I’ve written at some point.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: Do you enjoy doing that?

N: Like a dog with a bone.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 43

N: You know, Q, life is so much more than what we think.

Q: How so?

N: It just seems like we’re all feeling this overwhelming sense of pointlessness about everything that we do.

Q: I guess you’re right.



N: Do we really feel some sense of purpose about life? Do we really enjoy what we do?

Q: I guess not all of us do.

N: Exactly. We should learn to embrace everything as a gift. Everything in life can be learnt from - the good and the bad.

Q: That’s a sensible view to take.



N: How about you and I turn over a new leaf and begin to really embrace life as the wondrous gift that it is?

Q: You can count me in. We can really be a lot happier this way.



N: Great! So we’re all set?

Q: All set!

N: Fantastic.

Q: Yes.

N: Perfect!

Q: Totally.

N: This is life.

Q: Sure is.



N: ….

Q: ….

N: ….



Q: You have no clue what to do now, do you?

N: How do you embrace seven hundred and nine test cases?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 42

Q: Do you think we act too juvenile at times?

N: We? As in you and me? Me included?

Q: Yes. I said ‘WE’. You and me. You included.

N: Well then no.



Q: So if I said “I” instead of “WE”?

N: Definitely, yes.



Q: See this proves it. You’re being juvenile right now.

N: Juvenile?

Q: Yes.

N: So being juvenile is being right all the time?



Q: You’re not right all the time.

N: I am too.

Q: No you’re not.

N: Am too.

Q: Are not.



N: ….

Q: ….

N: ….



Q: Remember my question again?

N: Am not.



Q: Gah!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 41

N: Hey, Under-utilized and overrated resource number two. Did you finish those reports?

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: No, not yet.

N: Well you better. I heard they might be downsizing soon.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Oh?

N: Yeah. They might be replacing the likes of you with robots.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Robots? That’s insane. Robots don’t have the ability to make clear cut and cognitive decisions yet. They can only take our place in the most mundane of jobs where there is little or no thinking involved.



N: Exactly.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: ….

N: ….

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Oh.

N: ….

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Is there a point in asking you to stop calling me –

N: (Hangs up)



N: (Satisfied grin)

Q: Are those pre-meditated?

N: Just a little. The rest is pure inspiration.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 40

N: Say, Q, are you busy?

Q: Yeah give me a little time till I finish this.



(Time passes)



N: Still busy?

Q: Yeah.



(Time passes)



N: Free yet?

Q: No.



(Time passes)



N: What about now?

Q: No.



(Time passes)



N: Now?

Q: Alright. Fine! This better be important. I’m on a tight schedule, you’re ruining my train of thought and EVERY SINGLE MINUTE COUNTS!



N: Okay I’ll keep it short – Knock, knock.

Q: ….

N: Come on, play along. Knock, knock.



Q: #$%^$@$^&

N: That joke wouldn’t even TAKE a whole minute.

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 39

Q: N?
N: Yeah?


Q: Do you think you’ve done enough good in your life to go to heaven?
N: Does answering mean I believe that only good people go to heaven?


Q: Okay, well do you believe only good people go to heaven?
N: Well it’s complicated. Does that mean I admit to believing in heaven?


Q: Do you?
N: If I answer a question on heaven that automatically implies I believe there is a God.


Q: So do you think there is a God?
N: When you say “a” God you imply a singular entity and my answering your question negates various religions in the world which believe in the plurality of God or any other supreme entity endowed with supernatural powers to govern our existence. I can’t possibly answer your question without shunning the beliefs of millions of people in this world.


Q: So you’re saying that right now we’re existing in this sort of state where multiple beliefs exist independent of another in a strange manner where each of them claims to be the right one, yet somehow creating a rather fine balance all around this diverse world and proving that we all can be united at some level of consciousness?


N: No. I’m saying you should frame better questions.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 38

N: Busy day?

Q: Yeah I’m going to be in a session all week.

N: What session?

Q: Nanosoft Integration Layer version fourteen point six.

N: Sorry, what?

Q: Nanosoft Integration Layer version fourteen point six.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Oh you mean that software which operates in the layer responsible for integration?

Q: Yes, N. Well it IS the Integration Layer after all.



N: I’m familiar with this. It’s the software which is responsible of coalescing stuff in different forms and from different sources into a singular form in a manner which resembles the act of integrating something into a single unit so as to be used in the mentioned ‘integrated’ form for all practical and subsequent purposes.

Q: You’re spinning off an overly general understanding from the name of the software so that you can pretend to understand what it is even when you don’t.



N: That’s not true.

Q: Well you’re wrong. It’s a communication protocol to govern the exchange of information between the various components of any large multi-variate system comprising of mainly applications pertaining to the oil and energy industry.



N: That’s what I said.

Q: No it’s not.

N: I’m so relieved you’re not learning something new to me.

Q: I am. You’re lying.

N: Whew! For a second I thought you just might get ahead there.

Q: I am!



N: Let me know when you learn something that’s new..

Q: I hate you.

N: Won’t be any time soon I’m sure.



Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 37

Q: I think I’m going to go on vacation.

N: Uh huh. Okay.



Q: Well my travel agent had a nice package available for a vacation to South Hocsein.

N: Hmm.



Q: Yeah. I’ll be put up in a hotel called ‘Lime Honk Inn’.

N: Uh huh. Okay.



Q: It shouldn’t be expensive either.

N: Hmm.



Q: You’re not even listening, are you?

N: Uh huh. Okay.



Q: You’re humoring me by responding only to the audibility of my voice and not to the content of my speech, right?

N: Hmm.



Q: Predefined sequence of responses? Which means you will say ‘Uh huh. Okay’.

N: Uh huh. Okay.



Q: So you’re really not listening and now you’ll say ‘Hmm’.

N: Hmm.



Q: Would you go on record and agree with me if I said I’m much more talented and deserving of recognition than you?

N: Only if ‘talented’ implies ‘devoid of creativity’ and ‘recognition’ implies ‘getting fired’.



Q: …

N: …



Q: Oh sure. Now you hear me. Well anyway I’m going on vacation.

N: Uh huh. Okay.



Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 36

Q: I need to go on leave next month for 3 days.

N: Okay.

Q: I’m going to go speak to the Human Resources Manager.

N: No. She’s a cow.

Q: N! That’s a very derogatory and sexist remark to make.

N: No. She’s a cow.

Q: Seriously. How can you even say that?



N: She has a habit of not approving anything anyone asks. When people approach her she pretends she’s a cow and Moos in response so that people get frustrated and stop asking her for things.

Q: No way!

N: Yes way.

Q: I don’t believe you.

N: Yeah you’re right. I’m kidding. She’ll approve it right away. Go ahead.



(Q leaves)



N: Now I just have to be very, very quiet.

N: ….

N: ….

N: ….

(In the distance): “…Moooooo…”

Cubicle Conundrum- Day 35

‘The quest for the raise’



N: So I asked my boss about a raise.

Q: Oh. And?

N: This time I spoke into his good ear and asked him specifically for an ‘INCREASE IN SALARY’.

Q: ‘Increase in Salary’. Good. No way he can confuse that this time.

N: Yeah.

Q: What did he say?

N: He said he’ll talk to the appropriate people and get back to me.

Q: Sounds good.

N: Yeah.



(Time passes)



N: Argh! I’m going to kill my boss.

Q: What now?

N: He responded to me.

Q: And?

N: “Dear N, The cafeteria staff have informed me of the unavailability of celery. Will it be alright if you get more cabbage instead?”



Q: You would almost think he does this on purpose.

N: I’m beyond just thinking it.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 34

Q: You’ve been at it all day. When are you leaving?

N: I’ll be out by six.

Q: It is six.

N: Oh. Then I’ll leave at seven.



(Time passes)



Q: You’ve been at it all day. When are you leaving?

N: I’ll be out by seven.

Q: It is seven.

N: Oh. Then I’ll leave at eight.



(Time passes)



Q: You’ve been at it all day. When are you leaving?

N: I’ll be out by eight.

Q: It is eight.

N: Oh. Then I’ll leave at nine.

Q: Well I’ll be leaving soon.

N: Okay.



(Time passes)



Q: You’ve been at it all day. When are you leaving?

N: I’ll be out by nine.

Q: It is nine.

N: And it’s also past ‘soon’.



Q: Point taken.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 33

N: Do you want to hear something funny?

Q: Funny for you at my expense, or funny in general?

N: Definitely funny in general.

Q: Okay then.



N: I’m quoting a news site here – ‘Five terrorists apprehended with the intentions of starting a boy-band and hoping to one day blow up a live concert. This concert would be staged after the process of attracting enough serious listeners with their boyish looks and charm was completed.”. Isn’t that hilarious? Some plan huh?



Q: That’s not funny. Terrorism is a major issue these days. You shouldn’t use it to find humor. You shouldn’t trivialize global issues.



N: The terrorism wasn’t the funny part.

Q: Oh?

N: It was the bit where they expected SERIOUS listeners by playing pop music.



Q: What kind of lame joke is that? Besides, I listen to pop music.

N: Yeah.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: Oh.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 32

N: We should really be working fewer hours.

Q: Yeah.



N: We should really be paid more.

Q: Yeah.



N: We should be happy with what we’re doing.

Q: Yeah.



N: We should feel proud to be a part of this work-force.

Q: Yeah.



N: We should think of work as a home away from home.

Q: Yeah.



N: This is supposed to be a place to help us live, not die slowly.

Q: Yeah.



N: You should really not mind if I tell my boss you’re going to handle all the testing from now on.

Q: Yeah.



N: ….

Q: Wait! What?!



N: Thanks.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 31

Q: I’m getting really nervous. My performance report is going to be emailed to me any time soon.

N: Well don’t be nervous.

Q: Easy for you to say. Yours is only due next week.

N: No. I’ve realized the key to true happiness.

Q: Right.



N: You see, the root of disappointment is expectation. Strangely, so is the root of happiness.

Q: Right…

N: You’re happiest when you get what you want.

Q: So?

N: You need to WANT a horrible report. That way, if you get a glowing report, you’d be disappointed, but it’s a good thing to be disappointed about. And if you get a horrible report, you’d be absolutely ecstatic. Seriously. Try it.

Q: ….

N: ….

Q: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard you say.

N: Just try it.



Q: (Turns to monitor)Okay it’s here. It’s finally here.

N: ….

Q: “Dear Q, After careful deliberation we have found your performance this quarter to be unsatisfactory…”



N: Ouch.

Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: Are you ecstatic yet?

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 30

Q: How’s the job search coming along?

N: Alright so far. I have an interview this Saturday. The manager there thought I would slot in perfectly into this position.

Q: What position?

N: System Code Manipulation Expert and Syntax Ordering In-charge.



Q: Wow. Sounds cool.

N: Sure does.

Q: What would your responsibilities be?

N: Well I would use ordered programming language constructs in a syntactically accurate manner to manipulate the end result of what I set out to achieve.

Q: Nice.

N: I know.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: You DO know that’s just a fancy way of putting ‘Software Engineer’?

N: Ignorance is bliss.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 29

Q: What are you doing?

N: Applying for other jobs on the internet.

Q: You’re sitting at your workplace, and applying for a job elsewhere?

N: Yep.



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: Wow. Talk about loyalty.

N: Hey, I am loyal.

Q: No, N. You’re not. I have a dog. Dogs are loyal. You’re definitely not.



N: So dogs are loyal?

Q: Yeah.

N: So loyalty is living under a roof, peeing all over the place, ruining furniture, pooping on expensive carpets as long as I wag my tail when it’s dinner time? Well then I’m REALLY loyal.



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: Which site was that again?

N: You hate your dog now, don’t you?