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Hello folks.

Cubicle Conundrum won't be updated on this blog anymore. I'm working on my new website - A Little Wit of Everything

Apart from Cubicle Conundrum it's going to contain some of my other work all revolving around wit, humor and sarcasm.

It should be up pretty soon. Do visit and drop a line there to be notified when it's up!

Cheers.

Nikhil

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 85

N: I can’t believe the amount of Reality TV we have these days.

Q: Yeah it looks like the world found its next big fix.



N: I saw a show yesterday where women fight with toothpicks all afternoon in order to marry some rich guy who is obviously going to turn out to be some jobless moron.

Q: Oh yeah. I saw that one too. It’s getting quite crazy.



N: I think it’s ridiculous. Targeting the mindless drones who do nothing but feed off the misery of others to give their own lives a false sense of meaning when all they are really doing is eroding every single bit of their soul in their heartless quest for lasting entertainment. Then the next day these people sit around at home or at work arguing incessantly with whoever is around about who will survive the next episode.



Q: Well said, N. Well said!

N: Thanks.

Q: Sure.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: The blonde’s gonna win the next fight isn’t she?

Q: My money’s on the chubby redhead.

N: No way. The blonde has a brilliant stab-action.

Q: The redhead’s low centre of gravity lets her avoid those stabs.

N: But the blonde has more to aim at…

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 84

Q: What’s up?

N: Nothing. Fixing code which isn’t mine.

Q: Ah okay.

N: Yeah. It’s amazing how some people actually think they’re done when they leave some of the most important standards out.



Q: It happens, I suppose.

N: It’s not supposed to happen. That’s what we were trained for. To save people like me valuable time fixing code which should have been right in the first place.

Q: Everyone goofs up, N.

N: They shouldn’t.



Q: I think you’re over-critical. You love finding faults in people.

N: That’s not true.



Q: Yes it is.

N: No it’s not.



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: You know, YOUR biggest fault is that you think I am over-critical.



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: Oh.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 82

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: N, I really want you to stop calling me Under-utilized and overrated resource number two.

N: Why’s that?



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Because it’s not my name. It’s offensive, and it’s quite demoralizing because everybody seems to be calling me that right now.

N: Oh, I didn’t look at it that way.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Yes. Besides we’re all in the same boat. You’re the same as me. You’re under-utilized and overrated too. We’re all in this same pointlessly inconsequential state of existence. I have a heart too, you know.

N: Okay I see your point. I won’t call you that any more.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Thank you.



N: From now on, you’re Pointless and Inconsequential Entity With A Heart.



Pointless and Inconsequential Entity With A Heart: ….

N: ….

Pointless and Inconsequential Entity With A Heart: ….



N: You’re welcome.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 81

N: So then I said “Hey, Mr. Fisherman I told you to hit delete, not enter!!” *bursts into laughter*

Q: *bursts into laughter*

N: Is that B? She’s coming this way.

Q: Wow. I think she is.



*B enters their cubicle*



B: Hi. Do you know where I can find G’s cubicle?

N: *wide-eyed stare*

Q: *wide-eyed stare*



B: ….

N: *wide-eyed stare*

Q: *wide-eyed stare*



B: Umm.. G? Cubicle? Work-space? Anything?

N: *wide-eyed stare*

Q: *wide-eyed stare*



B: *Shakes head and leaves*



N: Why didn’t you say anything?

Q: Why didn’t you?

N: No reason.

Q: Same here.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: I was hoping you’d say something stupid so I could say something after you and leave a good impression with her.

Q: Same here.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Well at least we both still have a shot.

Q: High-five!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 80

Q: Well I completed my self-appraisal. Now I just need to submit it, and it’s all up to my manager to seal my appraisal for the quarter.

N: Great. I hope you gave yourself a 10 in everything.

Q: Of course not. I was honest.

N: Honest?

Q: Yes.



N: Honesty is pointless. You’re going to submit your appraisal to somebody who is least interested in doing it. So he’s not even going to care about what you’ve given yourself. He’s just going to approve it. So while you’ve gone ahead and given him some honest feedback, somebody else with half the talent has just given himself a 10/10 in every category and will find his appraisal much higher than yours.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: Well these appraisals don’t matter anyway. I get my final rating based on the peer-review.

N: Oh, right. The peer review. Where everyone gives the other a lower rating.



Q: Well, yeah but in the end it goes to my manager who will decide. Who knows our performance better than our manager?

N: The same manager who might refer to your appraisal for the quarter?



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: You’re welcome.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 79

Low Self-Esteem Guy: N! Q! I need your help. Quick!

N: What happened?



Low Self-Esteem Guy: My boss called me and halfway through the conversation the call got dropped. I don’t know if I should call back! If I keep trying him while he’s trying me, it’ll tick him off. If I don’t call when he’s expecting my call, it’ll tick him off. If I pause, then try, he might have paused and tried as well and as a result it’ll tick him off! If I don’t think of something soon I might have to destroy my phone!



N: Well I think you should wait for him to call back. What do you think, Q?

Q: No, I think the boss is expecting a call back.



N: But he called in the first place.

Q: Exactly why the call should be returned. It’s courtesy.

N: No it’s not. It’s only fair.

Q: It’s fair if he calls his boss.

N: His boss earns way more than he does.

Q: That’s not the point.



Low Self-Esteem Guy: Will SOMEBODY PLEASE tell me what I should do NOW?!



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Oh fine, call him back.

Q: Actually no, wait for him to call.



N: ….

Q: ….



N and Q together: Destroy the phone.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 78

Q: What have you been busy with all morning?

N: I volunteered for the ‘Save our children’ initiative.



Q: *bursts into laughter*

N: ….



Q: Since when did you care about children?

N: I’ve always cared.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: N, your solution to starvation was to let starvation win, so there would be fewer starving people.

N: I was just being practical.

Q: Right. So what are you saving the children from, exactly?

N: You know. Problems. Kids face a lot of problems these days.

Q: Such as?

N: Well it’s just that their lives are so difficult you know. Being kids. Children are the most affected type of kids.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: There’s a good looking woman in the team, isn’t there?

N: Yeah, B.

Q: I knew it!

N: Yeah.

Q: You’re too shallow to care about kids. You’re using them to get a foot in the door with B.

N: Yep.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: So where can I sign up?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 77

Q: N, do you know the way to the Nine Seasons Hotel?

N: Is that the one on P Drive or H Street?

Q: H Street.



N: As you get out of the parking lot, go left. Go straight for about 10 miles and head off the highway.

Q: Okay.



N: Then you take the *pauses for thought* fourth right turn.

Q: Fourth?



N: Yeah. There are a couple of smaller right turns which I’m not counting.

Q: How do I know what is a “small” right?

N: Well assuming a normal right turn is a ninety degree one, these are around about sixty.

Q: Is that from the Y-axis or the X?

N: Which is the Y and which is the X?

Q: Let’s say the Y axis grows upwards and the X axis grows to the right.

N: But that depends on which way you’re facing. Are you facing the original road or the turn?

Q: The original road is the one where I’m on and the turn is the one which I’m considering taking? Or the one I should eventually end up taking?

N: The original road is the one you’re on before making the right. The turn refers to any of these smaller turns which we’re trying to distinguish right now. So if you’re facing the original road, it’s the Y axis.

Q: Alright. So it’s just the angle?

N: Well the type of road is also a little different. The turn-off has a more ‘gravelly’ feel to it. Don’t confuse it with the actual gravel on the road. This just ‘feels’ gravelly.



Q: Oh okay. So I need to take the fourth right turn after getting off the highway. There are couple of turns which I can ignore in my count and I can identify these turns by approximating their angle with the Y axis which will be calculated while I’m still on the original road I’m on before taking the turn. I can also distinguish between the road I should and shouldn’t take by noticing that the wrong road has a gravelly feel to it, but does not really have a lot of gravel in its composition. So does that mean the gravel is spread out on the road then? Construction work?



N: No, it just ‘feels’ like there’s gravel on the road. There’s no real loose gravel around.

Q: Okay. But how will I know the wrong road has the gravelly feel without taking the wrong road?



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Where were you going again?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 76

Q: This is crazy. My boss just gave me a lousy appraisal after all my work.

N: Oh?

Q: Yeah. This is ridiculous!

N: You should do something about it.



Q: I’m trying to think of the best way to do something. Maybe I should confront him. I really feel like giving him a piece of my mind!

N: ….

Q: I’m so mad right now!! Ugh! I’m going to tell him off.

N: The most powerful things, can be achieved using only a pen.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: So you think I should mail him or write him a strongly worded letter?

N: No. I’m saying you should carry a pen and stab him with it.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 75

Q: Well I’m confused.

N: Why?

Q: My manager sent me an issue which he says is not an issue but still needs to be addressed.

N: Come again?

Q: I have an issue to deal with, which isn’t an issue.



N: So if it’s not an issue, what is it? And why does it need to be dealt with?

Q: I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense.



N: Yeah. One would assume something that has to be dealt with inherently becomes an issue. So saying something is a non-issue that still has to be dealt with is just plain crazy.

Q: My thoughts exactly. So how do you go about solving an issue that’s not an issue?



N: Is there a procedure for issues?

Q: Yes.

N: And I’m guessing non-issues are ignored?

Q: Yes.

N: So then you acknowledge his giving you the task and ignore it.



Q: Are you sure?

N: Yes. It seems logical.

Q: Okay. Thanks.

N: No need to thank me. It’s not an issue.



Q: So it’s not an issue?

N: No, I meant that your act of thanking me was unnecessary and helping you out was not an issue.

Q: Oh. So then it IS an issue?



N: The helping you out part or the task?

Q: Both.

N: One isn’t and the other demonstrates enough characteristics to be one, but shouldn’t be treated like one.



Q: And people think our lives are complicated.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 74

N: How long has Low Self-Esteem Guy been in the conference room?

Q: About 6 hours.

N: Wow.

Q: I think he’s in ‘The Zone of no return.’

N: Oh my god! Not THE zone of no return?

Q: That’s the one.

N: Oh wow. I didn’t know that still happened.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: What’s ‘The Zone of no return’?

Q: Oh my god. He doesn’t know.

N: Well, Under-utilized and overrated resource number two, ‘The Zone of no return’ is when you’re in a voice conference and then suddenly there’s an awkward pause. Neither of you say anything and slowly the gap of time keeps growing. Eventually, it reaches astronomical sizes and you can end up staying silent for hours together. Legend has it that this could even last for days, months or years.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: That’s ridiculous. Why doesn’t one of them just speak up?

N: Well if either speaks now, it will mean they could have said the same thing hours ago and that would make the speaker look bad.

Q: And nobody wants to look bad.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: This is really ridiculous. I’m not falling for it.

Q: Well it’s true.



N: Wait! Low Self-Esteem Guy is holding up a piece of paper against the door. What does it say?

Q: He wants some food and a toothbrush.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: You people are ridiculous.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: This is history in the making.

Q: I’ll get the camera.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 73

N: I just received a mail asking me for an “accurate estimate” of the time I will take to finish my task.

Q: Accurate estimate? That’s an oxymoron.



N: Sure is. Just like “bug fix”.

Q: Or “civil war”.

N: Or “crash landing”.

Q: Or “extremely calm”.



N: Yeah.

Q: Yeah.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Okay I’m out of oxymorons.

Q: Me too.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: This is “going nowhere”.

Q: That’s an acceptable “initial conclusion”.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: We will never be cool, will we?

Q: I “feel numb”.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 72

N: (whistle, whistle)

Q: ….



N: (whistle, whistle)

Q: ….



N: (whistle, whistle)

Q: Do you mind not whistling, please? I’m working.

N: Oh. Sorry.

Q: Thanks.



N: (sigh)

Q: ….

N: (knuckle crack)

Q: ….

N: (pen tapping on desk)

Q: ….

N: (puts speaker-phone on and off again and again)



Q: Gah!! Just whistle, will you!

N: Alright, alright. Relax. I’ll be quiet.



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: (whistle, whistle)

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 71

Q: Well that had to be one of my worst presentations ever.

N: Oh come on. It wasn’t THAT bad.

Q: You don’t have to make me feel better, N. I know it was horrible.

N: No, no. It wasn’t.

Q: You can be honest. I can take constructive criticism.



N: Well it was horrible.

Q: Yeah.

N: I mean ridiculously horrible.

Q: Okay.

N: I mean so ridiculously horrible you would imagine levels that low didn’t exist.

Q: I get it.



N: I mean seriously. Even if you tried to imagine the worst precedent for a presentation, you would still not be able to come up with something like that.

Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….

N: I mean –

Q: Okay!! I get it!!



N: ….

Q: ….



N: On the bright side, you DID say ‘excuse me’ when you burped.

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 70

Q: Wanna play a game?

N: Oh well. What game?

Q: We use sentences to describe each other except that sentence MUST contain the sound of our names. It’s like verbal jousting.



N: As in?

Q: Well I might say, “Your level of being ridiculous has no N.” where I mean to use “N” as the word “end”. Then if you can’t come up with a reply for me in the same way, you lose.

N: Oh. So basically we’re using the other’s name to cleverly insult him.

Q: Yeah.



N: Alright.

Q: Shall we play?

N: Sure.

Q: Wanna start?

N: Glad to.

Q: Okay, go.



N: You’re a @#$%, Q.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: That’s not how it works.

N: I like this game. Can I start again?

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 69

Q’s Lessons in Managing Work Relationships:



***



Hi. Today we’ll be dealing with ‘Happiness’ or ‘Joy’. Many times at work, or a few times in the case of a Software Engineer, you will find reasons to be happy.



***



Q: Wow. I just got put in Performance band “A” for my work so far.

N: Really?

Q: Yeah this is great!



***



It is however, important to keep your emotions under control. Demonstrating too much happiness tends to de-motivate those around you who might not have received the same reason to be happy.



***



N: Well this is a good thing. I’m happy for you.



***



Always acknowledge well wishers, especially if this places you in a better position than them. Some modesty would help. Being modest puts you back on equal terms and in good terms with your colleague. Being modest by saying your achievement isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, invites some deserving praise from your colleague, followed by a friendly end to the conversation…



***



Q: Thank you, N. But we all know these ratings don’t really mean anything anyway.

N: Hmm you’re right. You should stop wasting your time and get back to work.



***



…Unless your colleague is N.



***

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 68

N: Did you hear? 6 people quit my project last week.

Q: Wow.

N: Yeah. This attrition is getting to be ridiculous!

Q: I don’t understand it.



N: It’s simple. Money. That’s what everyone wants.

Q: Yeah money-minded heartless people.

N: Self-centered mercenaries.

Q: Totally. It’s all about money.

N: Money, money, money.

Q: Shame.

N: Real shame.



(Some moments pass)



N: Q, would you quit if somebody paid you more?

Q: Well.. how much more?

N: Does it matter?

Q: No I’d quit.

N: Me too.

Q: I like mercenaries.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 67

Understanding the Cubicle Male



***

The Cubicle Male will often be spotted treading the well marked path to the coffee machine. Like many of his species, the Cubicle Male will often arrive at the coffee machine to join a queue of others already at the scene.

***



N: Great. This is going to take forever.

Q: I know. Why does everybody need coffee right now?

N: There’s about fifteen other people ahead of us!



***

In normal circumstances, such crowds often disperse as each member quickly fills the company provided coffee-drinking-facilitating utensil and leaves. However, there are exceptions.

***



N: We haven’t moved an inch in five minutes. What’s taking so long?

Q: I don’t know. I can’t see the machine from here.

N: They better not be out of coffee.



***

Notice how the Cubicle Male shows an increased level of aggression and frustration at the delay. Delays caused by fellow Cubicle Companions have a very low tendency to be tolerated.

***



N: Did that guy just cut-in the line? Hey! You! Back of the line, buddy. Bunch of #$%@^.

Q: Yeah get some sense of professionalism! Jerk!



***

However, there are exceptions too.

***



Q: Is that B?

N: (sigh) Yes it is. She looks great today.

Q: As always.

N: Did she just cut-in line too?

Q: It’s okay we can’t look at her if she’s behind us.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 66

N: I’m upset with Low Self-Esteem guy.

Q: Why? What happened?

N: He just doesn’t know when to shut up.

Q: Oh?



N: I was talking to my boss about my work and all of a sudden he barges in and starts telling me how wonderful my typing technique is.

Q: Wow.

N: Yeah. My boss couldn’t stop laughing.

Q: That sucks.

N: I know.



(A few moments pass)



Q: Oh my god. I just found out my project might be shelved.

N: Wow. As in cancelled?

Q: Yeah. This is terrible.

N: Yeah. It is.



(Seconds later)



N: Knock. Knock.

Q: ….

N: Come on. Knock Knock.

Q: So you were mad at Low Self-Esteem Guy for not knowing when to shut up?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 65

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: N, I would like to discuss some issues with you.

N: Oh?



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: I feel that you are demonstrating far too much negativity towards me.

N: No I’m not. I’m definitely not negative.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: I think you are undermining my abilities as a competent software engineer.

N: You mean you can talk on the phone AND click at the same time?



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: You don’t take me seriously when I offer my point of view. Actually, you don’t even consider that I even HAVE a point of view.

N: That’s rubbish, Under-utilized and overrated resource number two.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: ….

N: ….



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Could you please stop calling me that, especially in the context of this conversation?



N: The context of this conversation is relative with respect to our points of view. While you have been expressing your thoughts on how you feel my treatment of you as an individual in your own right is unfair and possibly biased to some degree, I have been imagining the different ways a human being can arrange forty seven matchsticks to form a perfect replica of various deciduous trees.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: ….

N: ….



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Why do I even bother?

N: See, now THAT is a question you really should be asking.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 64

Q: ..and then I finally managed to get it done in time. This job is really getting on my nerves.

N: I know how you feel.

Q: I can’t wait for the day I quit.

N: Same here.



Glass Half-full Guy: I couldn’t help overhearing you two. This job is great. Why would you want to quit? Life’s a gift. This job is a wonderful blessing you’ve been given and you must treasure it.

Q: We aren’t paid well.

N: Free time is a luxury enjoyed once in seven years.

Q: And we have no social life.



Glass Half-Full Guy: Money is no object compared to the wealth of experience you’re gaining. Why have a social life when work can be your best friend? Isn’t it wonderful that you’re in a job where you’re involved with your best friend every day? Besides, seven years is nothing considering with the right diet and combination of rejuvenating exercises, you can live till you’re one hundred and seventy two years old. We need to embrace one another as comrades and realize that every dark cloud has a silver lining. We are kindred souls. We are birds of a feather. We must share a bond that lasts a lifetime. We must be willing to die for each other.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Well I really see your point now.

Glass Half-Full Guy: I’m so very glad, my friend.

N: So we’re comrades now?

Glass Half-Full Guy: We certainly are.



N: Die for me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Introducing Glass Half-Full Guy – Just another SE with the annoying habit of being an eternal optimist.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 63

Q: I think we’re really lucky to be doing what we do for a living.

N: Yeah?

Q: Yeah. Stimulating our brains and solving complex problems to make the customer’s life easier. Is there anything more noble?

N: Hmm.

Q: We make a difference.

N: Hmm.



Q: I feel really good now.

N: Wait. Tell me again why we’re lucky.



Q: We stimulate our brains.

N: No. We work mechanically.



Q: We solve complex problems.

N: It doesn’t count if we create those problems ourselves.



Q: We make the customer’s life easier.

N: By missing deadlines and handing out inferior software?



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: If you stay really quiet, we might be able to hear our hopes for a better life disappear.

N: Poof.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 62

Q: Bar was fun last night, huh?

N: Sure was.



Q: Did you manage to ask that woman out after I left?

N: Yeah but it didn’t go very well. I used my best line but she didn’t buy it.

Q: What’s your best line?

N: I walked up to her and said “Well hello there! You look very ‘High-Def’. We should interface because I have HDMI.”



Q: Oh god.

N: Yeah I can’t believe she didn’t get it.



Q: That’s a ridiculous line.

N: No it’s not.



Q: It’s jerks like you who make all software geeks look like stereotypical nincompoops who know nothing but technology.

N: Well I.. I didn’t see it that way..



Q: Sheesh! I mean come on! HDMI? What were you thinking?!

N: I.. I don’t know.



Q: Unbelievable! HDMI? Gosh!

N: Well I just thought it might work.



Q: I mean, seriously..EVERYBODY knows that USB is still the way to go!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 61

N: Do you think we’ve let our work take over our lives?

Q: No, I don’t think so. I think we’ve done a decent job of balancing our priorities.



N: Precisely. It’s not like we use terms from work instead of normal words.

Q: True. It’s not like we sit around all day here and just do the same at home.

N: Exactly. It’s not like we don’t have any place to unwind apart from the comfort of our homes.



Q: Yeah. It’s not like we haven’t been to any pubs or happening restaurants recently.

N: Hmm yeah. It’s not like we don’t have any friends.



Q: (nods)

N: (nods)



Q: It’s a shame some people live like that.

N: Yeah. That would be pathetic.

Q: Totally.

N: Absolutely.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: Do you want to hit a pub after work, friend?

N: Yes and eat at a new restaurant.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 60

N: I've got this REALLY important presentation tomorrow.

Q: Preparing hard, huh?

N: Yeah I spent the last seven hours learning 3D effects on this image editing software so I could come up with a background so impressive, that the content won't even matter.

Q: And how much content do you have?



N: I just put the topic on 74 different slides in varying shades of 16 colours. If I'm right, they should be asleep by the time I hit slide number two and they should wake up briefly at slides 16, 41 and 67 to amalgamate their false sense of intellect by asking me irrelevant and pseudo-intellectual questions which I plan on answering by employing clever acts of distraction and some sleight of hand which is not unlike those you would see performed by a very bad magician.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: That will never work.

N: Really?



Q: Yes. You can’t get away with a lack of content by trying cheap distractions.

N: I guess you’re right. These tricks aren’t going to work.

Q: Exactly.



N: Know where I can get a rabbit, a cape and a hat?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 59

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: ..which is why he wanted you to make sure that you have all of your pending work done ASAP.



N: I understand. So what you’re saying, Under-utilized and overrated resource number two, is that I need to finish my work as soon as possible, so that you can finish your work as soon as possible.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Yes.



N: You’re also saying that the current official deadline given to both of us does not reflect the dependency of our tasks and hence, it is unfair to you?

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Yes.



N: So while the unofficial deadline for my work has been advanced, I’m officially in a comfort zone which will allow me to finish this at my own pace, while dallying around with the time I have been given even if it is at your own peril?

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: ….

N: ….



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Your words have a natural predisposition to arousing hatred.

N: It’s a talent.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Is there a point in me asking you to call me by my name?

N: Nope.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Just checking.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 58

Q’s Lessons in Managing Work Relationships:



***



Hi. Today we’ll deal with ‘anger’. We all feel anger at some point. It’s important to know how to channel that anger. Losing control is never an option at the workplace. Anger is the short-cut to getting fired. Working poorly is the long way there.



Sometimes, you might feel tempted to let loose a barrage of expletives towards the person who is the focal point of your anger. It’s important to realize that this isn’t the right way to go about things. While an expletive is easy to utter and might even feel good, it is seldom the right way to resolve conflicts.



***



N: You left your donut unattended for more than 15 minutes. I ate it.



Q: That’s alright N,. While I disapprove of your act and while it has caused me certain distress, I am willing to let this slip by as long as you acknowledge my feelings in this situation.



N: Umm, okay.



***



Such a response makes sure that while you have conveyed your displeasure, you are still contributing to a productive work environment.



***

N: I forgot to mention your boss dropped by earlier. He said something about the deadline being advanced to 2.00 PM.



Q: It’s 3.30 now.



N: Oh. Oops.



***



Then again, sometimes expletives are the right way to go.



***



Q: #$%^&*!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 57

Q: I can't believe you're talking to Low Self-Esteem Guy.

N: Hey, he's here. Might as well use him.

Q: That's just wrong, N. You can't treat a human being like that.

N: (yawns)

Q: I think it's best if you stopped this before it gets out of control.

N: Let it go on for a little while. I'll stop later.

Q: I’m just saying that it’s not the right thing to do. You shouldn’t use him to build up your own sense of self-worth.

N: (Gesturing to Low Self-Esteem Guy as he walks past) Hey, I'd like you to meet Q. The one I told you about.

Q: (Reluctant polite grin)

Low Self-Esteem Guy: Q! Wow. You really seem like such an intelligent person from what N tells me. Your sense of morals and ethics coupled with your dedication to your job is something I can only aspire to remotely come close to some day. I’m positively ecstatic to finally have the chance to meet you! Oh what a wonderful day this is!



(Low Self-Esteem Guy leaves)



Q: ....

N: ....



Q: Well maybe we can talk to him for just a little while longer.

N: ‘We’?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 56

N: Wow. Who’s that over there by the coffee machine?

Q: (Looks) You don’t know her? That’s B. She’s been threatening to quit for the last 3 years.

N: B. Hmm.



Q: She looks great, huh?

N: Great? She looks FANTASTIC!

Q: (nods and stares, grinning devilishly)

N: (nods and stares, grinning devilishly)



Q: ….

N: ….


Q: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

N: (Nodding and grinning) Definitely!



Q and N together: Someone will get promoted when she leaves!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 55

Q: This is ridiculous.

N: What is?

Q: My team is meeting for the third time this week for a review on a module which has already been reviewed.



N: Maybe you guys changed it a bit.

Q: No. It’s all the same. Nobody changed anything. Last time it was with my boss’ boss’ boss. The time before that was with my boss’ boss.

N: Oh. And this time?

Q: This time they’re sitting together.



N: Wow. That is ridiculous.

Q: And we’re having yet another review next week.



N: (chuckling)Why? Is someone going to bring a pet along that hasn’t seen the demo yet?



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: Wow.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 54

N: I’m done! I’m actually done!

Q: Huh? What?

N: My work! I’m done for the day! I’m about to leave at Five ‘o Clock for the first time in months!!

Q: Well congratulations.



N: Thanks! Boy, this is going to be so good. I have the whole evening to myself. I can do everything I wanted to do but never had the chance!

Q: That’s awesome, N. Good for you.

N: Thanks! Well, see you tomorrow. I’m off to enjoy the rest of this evening; paint the town red; live my life again.

Q: Great. Bye.



N: ….

Q: ….

N: ….



Q: You’re going to go home, change into a sweatshirt, watch TV all night while you order Chinese food and try to recollect the exact moment that you lost any semblance of a social life, aren’t you?



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Maybe I can stay and help you out instead.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 53

Q: Guess what? My neighbor thinks somebody is performing voodoo on his dog.

N: His dog? Voodoo?

Q: Yes and yes.

N: Isn’t voodoo about performing some kind of black magic using a doll and some personal belonging of the target?

Q: That’s the one.

N: That’s ridiculous. On a dog, even! (laughing)



Q: I know. He wouldn’t listen to me. In fact he suggested I try using voodoo on people that annoy me. (laughing)

N: Oh that is funny! As if that mumbo-jumbo even exists!(laughing)

Q: (laughing)

N: (laughing)



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: I haven’t left any stuff of mine at your place have I?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 52

N: What are you doing?

Q: Finalizing my leave application. I’m taking a vacation after all.

N: Vacation? Nice.

Q: Yeah. One week.



N: A whole week? That’s nice.

Q: Yeah.

N: No emails, no phone calls..

Q: Yeah.

N: No programming, no testing..

Q: Yeah.

N: No deadlines..

Q: Yeah.



N: The piling up of pending tasks..

Q: ….

N: The inevitable squeezing in of a number of overlapping deadlines once you’re back..

Q: ….

N: Not to mention the amount of catching up to do on the project’s progress..

Q: ….

N: A hundred mails to sift through..

Q: Okay stop.

N: None of which will get the appropriate amount of attention from you..

Q: Enough.

N: You might delete the wrong one in a hurry which informs you of a deadline you missed..

Q: Ugh.

N: Or a review that went badly..

Q: Gah!!! Enough!! Shut up!



(a few minutes pass)



N: What are you doing?

Q: Cancelling. Vacations are too much stress.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 51

N: Do you notice how people from one career often identify themselves with people of another similar career?

Q: Hmm. What do you mean?

N: Well a security guard might identify himself with a cop. A dentist might identify with a neurosurgeon.

Q: Yeah I guess you’re right.



N: So who do you think will identify with us?

Q: Interesting question.

N: Yeah.

Q: Let’s see..



N: ….

Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: (sigh)

Q: (sigh)



N: I don’t blame them.

Q: Neither do I.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 50

Q: Did you hear about the new guy they hired? He’s got no sense of self-worth and only exists to motivate the rest of us.

N: Oh?

Q: Yeah. Isn’t that horrible? Nobody’s talking to him because he ends up lavishing unrealistic amounts of praise and makes the person he’s talking to feel extremely guilty and sorry for him.

N: Oh.

Q: Yeah. We think it’s best to avoid him and not use him to unnecessarily make ourselves feel better at his expense.

N: Why would they hire a guy just for that? That’s almost cruel.

Q: Yeah. Well I’m off to a meeting now. I’ll be back later. (leaves)



(Few hours pass. Q returns)



N: …So that’s when I added this semicolon to the line of code and saved us from a major catastrophe.



Low Self-Esteem Guy: Wow, N. If only I could be even half of what you are. I can’t imagine having the mental composure and technical depth of knowledge to even comprehend such a simple solution to such a complex problem. I can really learn a lot from you. Please take me under your wing. Please help me reach your level of sheer unobstructed, awe-inspiring, humbling awesomeness.



N: Sure no problem. Now why don’t you get me a coffee? My awesomeness needs refueling.



(Low Self-Esteem Guy leaves)



Q: (Dumb-struck) ….

N: ….

Q: ….

N: In my defense, I said it was “almost” cruel.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Introducing Low Self-Esteem Guy – Just another SE with a non-existent sense of self-worth

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 49

Q: Well I’m going to need all the luck in the world tomorrow.

N: Why’s that?

Q: My project manager wants to gauge my understanding of the project so he’s scheduled a one-on-one tomorrow.

N: Oh.

Q: Yeah. He’s bound to find me lacking in some area or the other.



N: That’s a solvable problem.

Q: How?

N: Potential to be wrong is inversely proportional to your vagueness.

Q: Huh?

N: Be extremely vague. You can’t go wrong.

Q: Does it work?

N: Try it. Ask me questions about your project.



Q: Okay. Who’s our customer?

N: Well you see, sir, while our current product caters to one particular entity in the business world in that sector, our product has a potentially larger base it can reach out to. So I would like to think our customer is potentially everyone in this industry.

Q: What do you think is the best functionality we’re offering?

N: As far as functionality goes, I think our USP is our strongest feature as well.

Q: Our USP is our price.

N: Precisely. The price is only low because we’ve efficiently implemented our best functionality.



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: Wow. Is that how you’ve gotten this far?

N: I’ve done certain things to ensure certain situations pan out a certain way.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 48

N: Do you think bigfoot is real?

Q: You mean bigfoot as in the abominable snowman?

N: Yes.

Q: No I don’t think so.

N: Hmm.



N: Do you think there’s something supernatural going on in the Bermuda Triangle?

Q: I don’t think so. Disappearing planes is nothing strange in an ocean that big.

N: Hmm.



N: Do you think people can really move physical object with just their minds?

Q: Telekinesis?

N: Yeah.

Q: No I don’t think so. What’s with these questions on these highly improbable theories which will probably be proven to be hoaxes?



N: Just wondering.

Q: Hmm.



(a few moments pass)



N: Do you think you’ll ever get promoted?

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 47

Q: (On the phone’s keypad) –tap tap tap-

N: ….

Q: -tap tap tap-

N: Still saving the tiger through a social networking site?

Q: Yes. Now I’m inviting more people to my group.



N: How exactly does joining a group help?

Q: Well we can all blog about it now.

N: And how does blogging help?

Q: More people will realize what’s happening.



N: And how will that help?

Q: If people know the real price of what they’re buying, the buying will stop. So the killing will too.

N: What exactly do people buy that tigers are killed for?

Q: Well I don’t know for sure. The skin I suppose.



N: Don’t you think the people doing the buying already know it comes with the killing? It’s not like people think that tigers don’t need their skin.

Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: You’re welcome.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 46

Q: (On the phone’s keypad)-tap tap tap-

N: ….

Q: -tap tap tap-

N: What are you doing?

Q: Oh I’m trying to save the tiger from extinction.

N: Through your phone?

Q: Yes. I just became a fan of the ‘Save The Tiger’ group on a social networking site.



N: So this is going to help how?

Q: Well, people will save the tiger.

N: By joining a group on a social networking site?

Q: Yes.



N: Did you say ‘Save the Tiger’?

Q: Yes.

N: (Bursts into laughter)



Q: You must be quite insensitive to find something like this so funny.

N: No, it’s not that. I know you’re trying to save the tiger from extinction and everything, but it seems ironic to name a group like that with an anagram of ‘Gave the Rites’.



Q: ….

N: ..Or ‘The Veg Satire’

Q: ….

N: ….

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum – Day 45 – A tribute to (read ‘slap on the face of’) Quantum Physics

N: (Humming pleasantly)

Q: Someone’s in a good mood.

N: Yeah I’m meeting some guys from the physics club later on. We’re about to prove the existence of black holes.

Q: Wow. Conclusively?

N: Absolutely. We’re going to note our observations today and then work on the Mathematical proof later.



Q: What kind of observations?

N: Well obviously we can’t peer out into space using the telescopes we can buy at a local store, so we had to improvise. We found a perfect real-time live model here on earth to mimic the exact same behavior as that which could be found in a black hole.



Q: That’s really awesome. What are you observing?

N: I probably shouldn’t tell you. This is real cutting edge stuff.



Q: Come on. Give me something.

N: It’s code named Gee Mee Mopay.



Q: So if I had to guess, ‘Gee’ is for Gravitation. ‘Mee’ probably refers to mesons which are going to form a part of whatever quantum theory you will be using. The strands and fibers on a ‘Mop’ probably is an allusion to the string theory and ‘Ay’ is for Albert Einstein as a tribute?

N: ….

Q: You are talking about black holes right? What goes in never comes out? No sign of it ever going in either?

N: ….

Q: That same black hole which never really acknowledges the existence of what just happened?



N: Yes. That black hole. Except we’re observing my boss and his reaction to me saying “Give me more pay”. Your explanation sounds cooler though.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 44

Q: Interesting article here on ‘Analyzing the Context Sensitive Subjective Analysis of Analytics’. Did you have a look at it? It was written by someone on your team.

N: Haven’t gone through it. I don’t care for such things.

Q: Oh sure. Somebody writes a ground breaking article to be published in a foremost journal and you don’t think it’s a big deal.

N: That’s only because it isn’t a big deal.



Q: It is a big deal. This stuff is brilliant.

N: Blah blah blah. I’ve written hundreds of articles in my life and I can guarantee that all of those articles have appeared plenty of times in every major science and technology journal known to man.



Q: Oh come on, N! I’m not going to believe that.

N: It’s true.



Q: Alright name ONE article that has been published as many times as you claim.

N: I’ll give you three.



Q: Alright. Let me hear it.

N: “A”, “An” and “The”. Three articles which have appeared in every major journal known to man. Also three articles I’ve written at some point.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: Do you enjoy doing that?

N: Like a dog with a bone.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 43

N: You know, Q, life is so much more than what we think.

Q: How so?

N: It just seems like we’re all feeling this overwhelming sense of pointlessness about everything that we do.

Q: I guess you’re right.



N: Do we really feel some sense of purpose about life? Do we really enjoy what we do?

Q: I guess not all of us do.

N: Exactly. We should learn to embrace everything as a gift. Everything in life can be learnt from - the good and the bad.

Q: That’s a sensible view to take.



N: How about you and I turn over a new leaf and begin to really embrace life as the wondrous gift that it is?

Q: You can count me in. We can really be a lot happier this way.



N: Great! So we’re all set?

Q: All set!

N: Fantastic.

Q: Yes.

N: Perfect!

Q: Totally.

N: This is life.

Q: Sure is.



N: ….

Q: ….

N: ….



Q: You have no clue what to do now, do you?

N: How do you embrace seven hundred and nine test cases?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 42

Q: Do you think we act too juvenile at times?

N: We? As in you and me? Me included?

Q: Yes. I said ‘WE’. You and me. You included.

N: Well then no.



Q: So if I said “I” instead of “WE”?

N: Definitely, yes.



Q: See this proves it. You’re being juvenile right now.

N: Juvenile?

Q: Yes.

N: So being juvenile is being right all the time?



Q: You’re not right all the time.

N: I am too.

Q: No you’re not.

N: Am too.

Q: Are not.



N: ….

Q: ….

N: ….



Q: Remember my question again?

N: Am not.



Q: Gah!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 41

N: Hey, Under-utilized and overrated resource number two. Did you finish those reports?

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: No, not yet.

N: Well you better. I heard they might be downsizing soon.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Oh?

N: Yeah. They might be replacing the likes of you with robots.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Robots? That’s insane. Robots don’t have the ability to make clear cut and cognitive decisions yet. They can only take our place in the most mundane of jobs where there is little or no thinking involved.



N: Exactly.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: ….

N: ….

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Oh.

N: ….

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Is there a point in asking you to stop calling me –

N: (Hangs up)



N: (Satisfied grin)

Q: Are those pre-meditated?

N: Just a little. The rest is pure inspiration.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 40

N: Say, Q, are you busy?

Q: Yeah give me a little time till I finish this.



(Time passes)



N: Still busy?

Q: Yeah.



(Time passes)



N: Free yet?

Q: No.



(Time passes)



N: What about now?

Q: No.



(Time passes)



N: Now?

Q: Alright. Fine! This better be important. I’m on a tight schedule, you’re ruining my train of thought and EVERY SINGLE MINUTE COUNTS!



N: Okay I’ll keep it short – Knock, knock.

Q: ….

N: Come on, play along. Knock, knock.



Q: #$%^$@$^&

N: That joke wouldn’t even TAKE a whole minute.

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 39

Q: N?
N: Yeah?


Q: Do you think you’ve done enough good in your life to go to heaven?
N: Does answering mean I believe that only good people go to heaven?


Q: Okay, well do you believe only good people go to heaven?
N: Well it’s complicated. Does that mean I admit to believing in heaven?


Q: Do you?
N: If I answer a question on heaven that automatically implies I believe there is a God.


Q: So do you think there is a God?
N: When you say “a” God you imply a singular entity and my answering your question negates various religions in the world which believe in the plurality of God or any other supreme entity endowed with supernatural powers to govern our existence. I can’t possibly answer your question without shunning the beliefs of millions of people in this world.


Q: So you’re saying that right now we’re existing in this sort of state where multiple beliefs exist independent of another in a strange manner where each of them claims to be the right one, yet somehow creating a rather fine balance all around this diverse world and proving that we all can be united at some level of consciousness?


N: No. I’m saying you should frame better questions.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 38

N: Busy day?

Q: Yeah I’m going to be in a session all week.

N: What session?

Q: Nanosoft Integration Layer version fourteen point six.

N: Sorry, what?

Q: Nanosoft Integration Layer version fourteen point six.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Oh you mean that software which operates in the layer responsible for integration?

Q: Yes, N. Well it IS the Integration Layer after all.



N: I’m familiar with this. It’s the software which is responsible of coalescing stuff in different forms and from different sources into a singular form in a manner which resembles the act of integrating something into a single unit so as to be used in the mentioned ‘integrated’ form for all practical and subsequent purposes.

Q: You’re spinning off an overly general understanding from the name of the software so that you can pretend to understand what it is even when you don’t.



N: That’s not true.

Q: Well you’re wrong. It’s a communication protocol to govern the exchange of information between the various components of any large multi-variate system comprising of mainly applications pertaining to the oil and energy industry.



N: That’s what I said.

Q: No it’s not.

N: I’m so relieved you’re not learning something new to me.

Q: I am. You’re lying.

N: Whew! For a second I thought you just might get ahead there.

Q: I am!



N: Let me know when you learn something that’s new..

Q: I hate you.

N: Won’t be any time soon I’m sure.



Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 37

Q: I think I’m going to go on vacation.

N: Uh huh. Okay.



Q: Well my travel agent had a nice package available for a vacation to South Hocsein.

N: Hmm.



Q: Yeah. I’ll be put up in a hotel called ‘Lime Honk Inn’.

N: Uh huh. Okay.



Q: It shouldn’t be expensive either.

N: Hmm.



Q: You’re not even listening, are you?

N: Uh huh. Okay.



Q: You’re humoring me by responding only to the audibility of my voice and not to the content of my speech, right?

N: Hmm.



Q: Predefined sequence of responses? Which means you will say ‘Uh huh. Okay’.

N: Uh huh. Okay.



Q: So you’re really not listening and now you’ll say ‘Hmm’.

N: Hmm.



Q: Would you go on record and agree with me if I said I’m much more talented and deserving of recognition than you?

N: Only if ‘talented’ implies ‘devoid of creativity’ and ‘recognition’ implies ‘getting fired’.



Q: …

N: …



Q: Oh sure. Now you hear me. Well anyway I’m going on vacation.

N: Uh huh. Okay.



Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 36

Q: I need to go on leave next month for 3 days.

N: Okay.

Q: I’m going to go speak to the Human Resources Manager.

N: No. She’s a cow.

Q: N! That’s a very derogatory and sexist remark to make.

N: No. She’s a cow.

Q: Seriously. How can you even say that?



N: She has a habit of not approving anything anyone asks. When people approach her she pretends she’s a cow and Moos in response so that people get frustrated and stop asking her for things.

Q: No way!

N: Yes way.

Q: I don’t believe you.

N: Yeah you’re right. I’m kidding. She’ll approve it right away. Go ahead.



(Q leaves)



N: Now I just have to be very, very quiet.

N: ….

N: ….

N: ….

(In the distance): “…Moooooo…”

Cubicle Conundrum- Day 35

‘The quest for the raise’



N: So I asked my boss about a raise.

Q: Oh. And?

N: This time I spoke into his good ear and asked him specifically for an ‘INCREASE IN SALARY’.

Q: ‘Increase in Salary’. Good. No way he can confuse that this time.

N: Yeah.

Q: What did he say?

N: He said he’ll talk to the appropriate people and get back to me.

Q: Sounds good.

N: Yeah.



(Time passes)



N: Argh! I’m going to kill my boss.

Q: What now?

N: He responded to me.

Q: And?

N: “Dear N, The cafeteria staff have informed me of the unavailability of celery. Will it be alright if you get more cabbage instead?”



Q: You would almost think he does this on purpose.

N: I’m beyond just thinking it.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 34

Q: You’ve been at it all day. When are you leaving?

N: I’ll be out by six.

Q: It is six.

N: Oh. Then I’ll leave at seven.



(Time passes)



Q: You’ve been at it all day. When are you leaving?

N: I’ll be out by seven.

Q: It is seven.

N: Oh. Then I’ll leave at eight.



(Time passes)



Q: You’ve been at it all day. When are you leaving?

N: I’ll be out by eight.

Q: It is eight.

N: Oh. Then I’ll leave at nine.

Q: Well I’ll be leaving soon.

N: Okay.



(Time passes)



Q: You’ve been at it all day. When are you leaving?

N: I’ll be out by nine.

Q: It is nine.

N: And it’s also past ‘soon’.



Q: Point taken.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 33

N: Do you want to hear something funny?

Q: Funny for you at my expense, or funny in general?

N: Definitely funny in general.

Q: Okay then.



N: I’m quoting a news site here – ‘Five terrorists apprehended with the intentions of starting a boy-band and hoping to one day blow up a live concert. This concert would be staged after the process of attracting enough serious listeners with their boyish looks and charm was completed.”. Isn’t that hilarious? Some plan huh?



Q: That’s not funny. Terrorism is a major issue these days. You shouldn’t use it to find humor. You shouldn’t trivialize global issues.



N: The terrorism wasn’t the funny part.

Q: Oh?

N: It was the bit where they expected SERIOUS listeners by playing pop music.



Q: What kind of lame joke is that? Besides, I listen to pop music.

N: Yeah.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: Oh.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 32

N: We should really be working fewer hours.

Q: Yeah.



N: We should really be paid more.

Q: Yeah.



N: We should be happy with what we’re doing.

Q: Yeah.



N: We should feel proud to be a part of this work-force.

Q: Yeah.



N: We should think of work as a home away from home.

Q: Yeah.



N: This is supposed to be a place to help us live, not die slowly.

Q: Yeah.



N: You should really not mind if I tell my boss you’re going to handle all the testing from now on.

Q: Yeah.



N: ….

Q: Wait! What?!



N: Thanks.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 31

Q: I’m getting really nervous. My performance report is going to be emailed to me any time soon.

N: Well don’t be nervous.

Q: Easy for you to say. Yours is only due next week.

N: No. I’ve realized the key to true happiness.

Q: Right.



N: You see, the root of disappointment is expectation. Strangely, so is the root of happiness.

Q: Right…

N: You’re happiest when you get what you want.

Q: So?

N: You need to WANT a horrible report. That way, if you get a glowing report, you’d be disappointed, but it’s a good thing to be disappointed about. And if you get a horrible report, you’d be absolutely ecstatic. Seriously. Try it.

Q: ….

N: ….

Q: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard you say.

N: Just try it.



Q: (Turns to monitor)Okay it’s here. It’s finally here.

N: ….

Q: “Dear Q, After careful deliberation we have found your performance this quarter to be unsatisfactory…”



N: Ouch.

Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: Are you ecstatic yet?

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 30

Q: How’s the job search coming along?

N: Alright so far. I have an interview this Saturday. The manager there thought I would slot in perfectly into this position.

Q: What position?

N: System Code Manipulation Expert and Syntax Ordering In-charge.



Q: Wow. Sounds cool.

N: Sure does.

Q: What would your responsibilities be?

N: Well I would use ordered programming language constructs in a syntactically accurate manner to manipulate the end result of what I set out to achieve.

Q: Nice.

N: I know.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: You DO know that’s just a fancy way of putting ‘Software Engineer’?

N: Ignorance is bliss.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 29

Q: What are you doing?

N: Applying for other jobs on the internet.

Q: You’re sitting at your workplace, and applying for a job elsewhere?

N: Yep.



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: Wow. Talk about loyalty.

N: Hey, I am loyal.

Q: No, N. You’re not. I have a dog. Dogs are loyal. You’re definitely not.



N: So dogs are loyal?

Q: Yeah.

N: So loyalty is living under a roof, peeing all over the place, ruining furniture, pooping on expensive carpets as long as I wag my tail when it’s dinner time? Well then I’m REALLY loyal.



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: Which site was that again?

N: You hate your dog now, don’t you?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 28

N: (On the phone) Under-utilized and overrated resource number two, the boss wants those reports done, STAT.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Stat?

N: You heard me. Get those done. He wants those reports, STAT.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Umm okay. Is it important and urgent?

N: Sheesh, Under-utilized and overrated resource number two, didn’t you hear me say STAT?

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Okay, okay. And my name is not-

N: (hangs up)



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: Do you enjoy doing that?

N: Like a pig in mud.

Q: What does ‘STAT’ mean anyway?

N: I don’t know. But it sure meant something in that war movie that was on last night.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 27

N: (Shouting across the room)Hey, New Guy.. I mailed you the test reports to go over.

New Guy: Stop calling me that. I have a name.

N: Relax, New Guy. You’ve got enough stress already.

New Guy: My name is NOT ‘New Guy’.



Q: (Whispering to N)Maybe you shouldn’t call him ‘New Guy’. It’s rude and takes away his identity.

N: (Shouting across the room)New Guy, do you find what I call you offensive?

New Guy: (Steps over to N’s cubicle) I do. I would appreciate you not calling me that. Besides, I joined your team a year ago as the SECOND person and I ONLY joined ONE DAY after you did.



N: Well if you put it that way.. How does ‘Under-utilized and overrated resource number two’ sound?

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: (blank stare)

N: Well, Under-utilized and overrated resource number two, I’m glad we could discuss this in a mature way.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: (turns and walks)



Q: ….

N: Hey, it’s not my fault he didn’t like ‘New Guy’.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Introducing a new addition to the cast:



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Just another Software Engineer

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 26

‘The quest for the raise’



N: So I asked my boss about a raise.

Q: Oh. And?

N: He asked me again and I said that’s about time I saw a twenty percent hike.

Q: Asked you again? Oh wait, he’s deaf in one ear.

N: Yeah. Well anyway, I asked him for a twenty percent hike and, for a change, he seemed really excited about it. I mean really, really excited.

Q: Wow. That’s odd. He’s excited about the company spending more money? Are you sure you conveyed the message clearly?

N: Yes I did. Even if he missed it the first time I’m sure he heard me the second time. Anyway he said he’ll get back to me in a couple of hours.

Q: When was this?

N: A couple of hours ago.

Q: Oh he’ll reply any time now.

N: Yeah.



(A few minutes pass)



Q: Umm N, did you just get the mass mailer?

N: Haven’t checked my mail, why?

Q: What did you ask for again?

N: A twenty percent hike.

Q: Well I hope you enjoy the outdoors because your department is organizing a ’20 person hike’ and you’re in charge.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 25

Q: Well I’m finally done.

N: Eh?

Q: With my module. I have a review after the weekend on Monday. I’m done. Now for a nice long weekend!

N: Great news.

Q: Yeah. I’ve been working on this for months.

N: That’s nice. So.. Monday huh?

Q: Yup.

N: Monday, Monday, Monday.

Q: Yeah.

N: Hmm.

Q: Okay what about Monday?



N: Oh it’s err probably nothing.

Q: ….Just tell me.

N: When were you informed that your review would be on Monday?

Q: Yesterday. It was supposed to be today, but they advanced it. I suppose no one feels like working on a Friday.

N: Well you DO know what that means?

Q: What does it mean?



N: They clearly went behind your back and did a preliminary analysis on your code and realized that it is quite sub-standard in certain aspects which cannot be overlooked during a review. Hence, they found it fitting to give you the weekend to try and sort things out.

Q: Wh- what?

N: You DO know they have access to your code all the time?

Q: Well yes, but-

N: Then it’s settled. Never mind. You have the weekend to work on it.



Q: Is this another one of your schemes?

N: I could reassuringly give you an answer, but you will realize that whether or not what I said was out of true intentions, there still exists a tiny probabilistic chance of me being right and that is a chance that you cannot afford to take considering the magnitude of this review.



Q: I hate you. I really do.

N: You’re welcome.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 24

N: Did you get the email about the management’s attempts to revamp the policy structure to be more employee friendly in a bid to curb attrition now that the recession is finally dying down?

Q: Yes, but I haven’t gone through it yet. Could you give me the gist of it?

N: Ok. Sure.

Q: Great.



N: ….

Q: ….

N: ….



Q: Well?

N: ….

Q: ….

N: ….



Q: I see.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 23

Q: What are the headphones for?

N: Oh this? This is my new Opple p-Pod.

Q: Wow. Bonus?

N: No. I'm faking being rich.

Q: Would that explain your new p-Phone too?

N: Yup.



Q: Why are you doing this exactly?

N: Creating an impression that even with so much money, I'm extremely committed to my work. Hence, people like my boss will assume that I must inherently have an extremely strong ethical foundation in my values leading to glowing reports and a speedy promotion even though I'm actually borrowing from eight different people to finance my splurging, thereby creating a finely balanced system of borrowing and returning which renders me crippled and with no choice but to work incredibly hard to numb the pain that is this torrid reality I must face every morning and every night.



Q: Oh come on. I'm not going to believe that. Loan sharks are notoriously cruel and you wouldn't be stupid enough to actually borrow money from them.

N: But that's exactly what I did.

Q: Are you trying to fool me again?

N: No.



Q: ....

N: ....



Q: Come on you can stop now. I get it.

N: They might cut off a finger tomorrow..

Q: I know you're lying. Stop it.

N: ..Or maybe a toe..

Q: They are birthday gifts, aren't they?

N: ..There are only six left anyway..

Q: Gah!!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 22

Q: Guess what? I joined a charitable organization.

N: Right.

Q: No, seriously.

N: Riiight.



Q: Yeah. We provide self help to the downtrodden.

N: So you PROVIDE self help? That doesn’t even make sense.

Q: It does too.

N: Okay what do you do?



Q: We collect funding from those who can afford to spare us some and then run our weekly awareness sessions to educate the less fortunate about how they have unknowingly had complete control of their lives all along and merely lacked the will power to change the course of their lives.

N: Oh?

Q: Yep. Isn’t it great?

N: Let me get this straight..

Q: Oh boy. Here it comes.



N: So you collect money from the rich, to tell some poor people that their unfortunate current position is because of their own individual actions and nothing else? Therefore robbing them of any sense of comfort they might harbor using the old ‘life screwed me over’ argument? Which might, in turn, put them in an even frailer state of mind than that which currently exists? In essence, you collect money to pull the carpet out from under feet of some poor, unsuspecting vulnerable human beings?

Q: ….

N: ….



Q: I don’t know why I even mentioned it to you.

N: You’re welcome.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 21

N: Don’t you just love the first day of a new assignment?

Q: Hmm.

N: It’s always so exciting to get down to a new task.

Q: What are you supposed to do?

N: Research.

Q: What kind?

N: I’m supposed to devise an efficient counter-measure to the biggest hindrances to a project’s smooth progress.

Q: Such as?

N: Stretching budgets, verbal and unrecorded instructions, excessive meetings and meaningless deadlines.



Q: Do you get funded?

N: Yeah. How much funding depends on what I need.



Q: Do you have a requirements document?

N: No. My boss told me to do this while we were at the coffee machine.



Q: Deadline?

N: As long as it takes.



Q: When do you start?

N: We meet tomorrow to discuss the appropriate time for the kick-off meeting.

Q: Good luck.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 20

N: Aargh..

Q: What happened?

N: I’ve been working for two hours straight.

Q: Well I’ve heard that when you are facing something incredibly boring and monotonous, you need to clear your mind.

N: How?

Q: Picture somebody who bores or frustrates you. Stare at that person if he or she is around, and imagine the person wearing something ridiculously funny.

N: Interesting thought. But my work isn’t boring or frustrating for a change. It’s just hectic.

Q: Oh. Well we can just chat and chill out for a while then.

N: Hmm.

Q: Yesterday, I had a friend over and we were up till about 3 in the morning watching any movie we could find.

N: Hmm okay.

Q: We started off with a supposed comedy which ended up being a bitter disappointment. And then we saw “Lost in Transliteration” which left us wondering why the movie was even made.

N: ….

Q: Oh that reminds me, an aunt recommended that movie to me once. You know, the aunt with the fish breath… And-

N: ….

Q: N? Why are you staring like that?

N: ….

Q: That grin on your face better be about the fish-breath.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 19

N: I’ll be right back.

Q: Where are you off to?

N: Submitting a claim for reimbursement of expenses.

Q: Didn’t you do that last week? Three hundred bucks?

N: Yeah last week I had to submit the preliminary form and obtain provisional approval.

Q: Oh. And now?

N: Now I find out the status of my provisional approval and submit a three page account of the nature of my expenses and why I deserve reimbursement.

Q: So you’ve prepared the three page report?

N: Of course not. First I need to write a letter to the Manager in-charge of provisional approval requesting a shift of status from ‘Provisional’ to ‘Kinda Serious’.

Q: Oh.

N: Upon the manager’s approval I need to perform my most capable rendition of the South Hocseinish* National Anthem backwards, for which I’ve hired a South Hocseinish consultant who works with me for 75 bucks an hour, 2 hours a day for three days a week.

Q: ….

N: Provided my vocal skills are competent, I can then submit my three page account and get it signed off by the Regional Manager for Kinda Serious Claims to certify that it is a valid claim.

Q: So, THEN you get your money?

N: No. Then comes the background check, for which I need to bear expenses. The background check involves about 50 privately contracted agents following me and speaking to my next of kin to gauge my standing as a human being.

Q: ….

N: THEN I get my money.

Q: All this for three hundred bucks?

N: Yeah.

Q: What about the money you lose trying to get the reimbursement in the first place?

N: Are you really that stupid? I just have to file another claim for reimbursement.





*South Hocsein - A remote country. Pronounced (South hok-sine). And no, there is no North Hocsein.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 18

N: You haven’t looked away from your screen all day. What’s up?

Q: I have a code-walkthrough tomorrow.

N: With whom?

Q: Some guy onsite. I need to explain how my code works via video conference.

N: So what’s the problem?

Q: I haven’t finished my module yet!

N: So? That’s no cause for concern.

Q: How can it not be?!

N: Well I was in your position last week, and my on-site manager was based in Argentina. I just talked in a very matter of fact way, reciting names of Argentinian footballers, thereby pretending to speak the local language. I did take the effort of repeating a few names again and again to make them appear to form a part of our regular vocabulary. Being the conceited manager he was, he ended up being far too immersed in his superiority complex to acknowledge that he didn’t speak the language too. In the end, I got away scot free without him saying a word in response.

Q: There is NO WAY that worked.

N: My post-walkthrough report congratulated me on my “Maradona”.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PS: There will be no Cubicle Conundrum tomorrow as I'm on leave. Cheers!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 17

N: I’m finally free. I can teach you the algorithm now.

Q: Great. I really have no clue what it’s about.

N: That’s alright. I’ve worked on it a while ago. I still remember most of it. Let’s begin.



(An hour passes)



N: ..So the entering variable should be de-fuzzified based on the fuzziness quotient, but only provided the elasticity of the standard measure matrix is decoupled with its absolute value. And finally you convert the derived value into its native base form before calculating it’s logarithmic equivalent and multiplying it by seven million, nine thousand, three hundred and forty eight point six five three eight zero one nine.

Q: Wait.. I thought you didn’t have to take the logarithmic value?

N: You do. And once you multiply, you need to stand up and do an ancient Mayan ritualistic dance before piercing yourself with a 16 inch iron nail through the nose.



Q: …..

N: …..



Q: At which point did you start making it up?

N: Somewhere after I said “Let’s begin”.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 16

Q: (Sigh)

N: Penny for your thoughts?

Q: You don’t really care. Don’t bother.

N: Come on. I’m here if you need to talk.

Q: Fine. My new boss thinks I’m a lazy lout.

N: How come?

Q: He happened to pass by while I was waking up from a 5 minute nap.

N: Oh.

Q: My career is destroyed now. This isn’t fair. I work my #$% off the whole day.

N: Things like this happen all the time.

Q: But it isn’t fair!

N: Of course it isn’t. That’s life. Look at me for instance.

Q: Hmm?

N: I work lesser than you, spend more time slacking off, cut more corners, procrastinate and still, my boss loves me.

Q: Right.

N: He thinks I’m fantastic at my job. I’ll be up for a promotion whenever it’s due. My appraisals will be top notch.

Q: Yeah…

N: You on the other hand will probably get an average appraisal, an admonishment for being too lazy and probably a slap on the wrist for not contributing enough.

Q: Okay, just stop. Your so-called pep talk isn’t really working.

N: Are you kidding? I feel great!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 15

Q: My boss resigned and someone’s replaced him today.

N: Okay.

Q: Now I need to make an impression all over again.

N: I see. Well, my boss thinks I’m one of the most analytical and hard working people in the team.

Q: But you aren’t.

N: Does it matter?

Q: How the hell do you do that?

N: It’s quite simple. Every time the boss passes by, just squint at the screen as if somebody is shining a torch in your face. You might also want to shake your head in disapproval as if to say “Hmm that can’t be right”. Analytical – check.

Q: That works?

N: Also shift a little on your seat. This indicates that you haven’t moved for a while since you were too busy contemplating whatever it is you’re working with. Hard-working – check.

Q: This is ridiculous. What happens when you have no results to show for it?

N: I do my Harrison Ford face and pretend to be mad at everyone. He thinks I’m upset with my lack of contribution and is willing to give me another opportunity.

Q: You’re insane. This is never going to work. You’re no good at what you do.

N: ………

Q: N? (swivels the chair around to check)

N: ………

Q: Oh, I’m sorry I thought you were ignoring me. Carry on with your work. (swivels around to the PC again)

N: ………

Q: Wait a minute…

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 14

N: Q, Am I a good person?

Q: Good Person? You? The guy who ‘thinks’ good deeds?

N: I think I am.

Q: No you're not.

N: I generally do keep people's well being in my head.

Q: No you don't.

N: I mean, sure, I've done my share of selfish things but then I'm a very kind-hearted soul, don't you think?

Q: No, I don't.

N: Yeah, all those times when I've behaved unscrupulously selfishly have no real weightage considering all the good I've done.

Q: You're not even listening to me, are you?

N: My karma quotient is definitely on the positive side. I think I'm doing a fine job as a human being.

Q: You're using my mere presence as a tool to wrongfully boost your sense of self-worth so you can feel good about yourself when you shouldn't. You’re using my completely unrelated replies to form some semblance of a conversation to endorse your own twisted and deluded beliefs about being a good human being when you’re not.

N: Just a little longer and I should get some kind of award for my service to humanity.

Q: I hate you.

N: Then again I'm not doing this for the recognition. I’m glad we had this discussion.

Q: Die. Now.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 13

N: All my good deeds have paid off. I have now attained enlightenment.

Q: Right, and I'm the King of the World.

N: Your petty sarcasm has no effect on me.

Q: Okay, oh enlightened one.. What's the purpose of life?

N: It is purpose that created us. Purpose that connects us. Purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drive us. It is purpose that defines, purpose that binds us.

Q: That’s not really an answer.

N: What is “real”? How do you define "real"? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then "real" is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.

Q: Wait. You’re not enlightened. You’re just rephrasing lines from ‘The Matrix’! That’s why your eyes are heavy. You were up all night watching the entire Matrix Trilogy weren’t you?

N: Of course not.

Q: Oh, so the fact that all your lines were spoken in the movie are a coincidence?

N: Where some people see coincidence, I see consequence.

Q: Gah! Stop it. You’re about as enlightened as a spoon!

N: There is no spoon.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 12

Q: Still ‘doing’ those good deeds?

N: Of course.

Q: You’re being a hypocrite.

N: No, I’m doing good deeds.

Q: Thinking about them does NOT count.

N: I resent that. I don’t just think. I can prove it. This morning an old lady tripped in a puddle in front of me.

Q: Oh, you helped her up?

N: No.

Q: Gave her your handkerchief?

N: No.

Q: Did you at least ask her if she was okay?

N: No.

Q: Great. What DID you do?

N: It’s more about what I DIDN’T do.

Q: Okay what DIDN’T you do?

N: Step on her.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 11

N: I’ve decided to do turn over a new leaf.

Q: You’re killing yourself?

N: I’ve decided to do at least three good deeds every day to build up good karma.

Q: You? I don’t believe it. What do you plan on doing today?

N: Well it’s true.

Q: Okay well, what do you plan on doing today?

N: I thought I might help you run those test cases. Then I thought I could donate some money to that children’s home down the street. I also thought that since Z just joined, I could help her settle into her new job.

Q: Well that’s just wonderful. I’ll mail you the test cases right away.

N: Are you mad? I’m not going to help you.

Q: Then how are you doing a good deed?

N: I already did. It’s the thought that counts.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 10

Q: You know what really fascinates me?

N: Tell me.

Q: Recursion. Simply amazing.

N: Amazing? How?

Q: It’s just so brilliant.

N: Brilliant? How?

Q: Well I.. it’s just so mesmerizing.

N: Mesmerizing? How?

Q: You just get sucked into it, you know?

N: Sucked into it? How?

Q: So many actions linked up. It’s so complicated.

N: Oh? Complicated? How?

Q: You just can’t resist wondering how long it can go on cause it could be incredibly deep.

N: Really? Incredibly deep? How?

Q: I hate you.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 9

Q: Gah!!!! %#$#$%@#%$#

N: Wow what happened?

Q: I’ve been trying to fix this #$@#$%# issue in my code for the last six hours and I’m getting NOWHERE!!!

N: Did you make sure you didn’t change anything when you optimized?

Q: Of course I did. I’m not a daft idiot.

N: Are you sure you wrote your test programs right?

Q: Yes, I even re-wrote them thrice!

N: Did you recalibrate the calibrated parameters pertaining to tuning calibration?

Q: Say what?

N: I said, did you recalibrate the calibrated parameters pertaining to tuning calibration?

Q: Are you doing that thing where you pretend to know what you’re talking about so you can give yourself the selfish satisfaction of having tried even though you didn’t?

N: What about clarifying rastered cluster heaps for dynamic allocation?

Q: Stop making up words.

N: I’ll bet you didn’t sphygmomanize the carstopherics with the updated ballooned status q upgrades.

Q: I hate you.

N: Try manipulating the fluxponders to optimal concentration.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 8

Q: What are you doing?

N: Inventing.

Q: Huh?

N: My boss thinks I don't add enough value so I'm inventing.

Q: Wow. That's a good thing.

N: Yeah I'm hoping to really give him something that will strengthen my weakening position as an invaluable member of my team.

Q: That's a great way to take criticism.

N: Yeah, plus I think I'm onto something.

Q: Awesome, let me hear your idea.

N: Okay how's this - "I'm afraid if I add more value the customer won't be able to afford us."

Q: Wait, WHAT are you inventing?

N: An excuse.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 7

N: You know, Q, the more I think about life, the more I realize how much we all lack a sense of purpose. Each day we go about doing things to fulfill our whims and fancies unable to reconcile with the fact that we are merely existential pawns in a world controlled by an absence of control, trapped forever in the recesses of a seemingly pointless existence where everything we do, and everything we say has little consequence to anything that is worth something in the grand scheme of things. I think it's about time we started doing things only if they had a true greater purpose.



Q: You might just be on to something, there.



N: (Nods)



Q: (Blank stare)

N: (Blank stare)

Q: (Blank stare)

N: (Blank stare)

Q: (Blank stare)

N: (Blank stare)

Q: (Blank stare)

N: (Blank stare)

Q: (Blank stare)



N: (Blink)

Q: Ha! I win.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 6

N: I'm up for my appraisal this week.

Q: Excited?

N: No.

Q: Scared?

N: No.

Q: Anxious?

N: No.

Q: Well that's good. Everyone knows it's just a matter of kissing your evaluator's butt, anyway.

N: Ridiculous. I need to do no such thing. My work is flawless. And I will NOT lower myself to such an unnecessary level of demeaning behavior.

Q: Good for you. I'm proud of you.



(An hour passes)



N: Say, Q, is "Your unconditionally obedient slave crippled by the sheer awesomeness that is your radiant aura" an appropriate sign off for an email?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 5

Q: You look awfully depressed today. Bummed about the whole on-site thing?

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: You can talk to me if you want.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: I mean it. I know we’re just colleagues, but I’m here if you want to talk about something.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: Really, it’s okay. You can talk to me.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: Well yeah sure, be that way.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: I don’t need this from you. I’m only trying to help.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: I’m done.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: I’m not going to lower myself to your level. I’ve got way too much class.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: Screw you.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: #$%*!@#$%^#$@#$@#$@@#$%!!!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 4

Q: What’s news on your on-site opportunity?

N: My boss rejected my application.

Q: Why? You don’t know squat about what you’re doing. You’re perfect!

N: They gave it to the new guy based on a tie-breaker question.

Q: What was the question?

N: “What is the name of our customer?”

Q: Well you said you didn’t know so I suppose you would have proven your ignorance and therefore your sound credentials for going on-site.

N: Well that’s what I thought, but the other guy didn’t know either.

Q: I don’t get it. Then how did that end up being the tie-breaker question?

N: Well I answered I said I did not have the faintest clue.

Q: Okay, what did he say?

N: Nothing.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 3

Day 3:

N: A slot just opened up on-site on my project.

Q: Nice. Do you have a shot at it?

N: Well, technically yes. But there are other issues.

Q: Which are?

N: Well sure, I might go on-site but I really have no concrete knowledge about my project. I do not understand the communication framework we’re using between the different modules, I have no clue which interface is supposed to be used by which component, I haven’t the faintest idea about who our customer even is and…

Q: (Blank stare)

N: (Blank stare)

Q: (Blank Stare)

N: ..You’re right. I belong on-site. I’ll apply now.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 2

N: My boss is on leave today.
Q: I’m sure he gave you a fair share of work before he left.
N: Actually, no.
Q: No? He hasn’t emailed you about your work either?
N: No.
Q: Wait. So you’re free?
N: Yes.
Q: As in – no work?
N: Yes.. I mean no.. Whichever answer means I have no work.
Q: Do you know I have an unreasonable 2 hour deadline today?
N: Yes.
Q: Do you know I have to slog my ass off today while you do nothing but sip coffee?
N: Yes.
Q: I HATE YOU.
N: Hate my boss. He didn’t give me work.
(Little blue box of MS Outlook opens on N’s Screen)
Q (Observing N’s screen): You know what I love though?
N: What?
Q: Blackberrys.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 1

Introduction - The Cast!

N - A Software Engineer

Q - N's Colleague. Also a software engineer.

N: Aren’t you tired of these pointless arguments on the company forum?

Q: Very. People should understand that the world has so many larger things to worry about than this #$%^.

N: I know. I wish they’d stop wasting their time on such obviously meaningless banter and get down to the things which really matter.

Q: Good to know I have some company in thinking that way.



(An hour passes)



N: Say, I heard this rumor that the manager around here shrinks human heads and feeds it to his pet lizard.

Q: I heard it was an iguana.

N: An iguana is a lizard.

Q: No it’s not.

N: Yes it is.

Q: No it’s not.

N: Yes it is.