Cubicle Conundrum - Day 85

N: I can’t believe the amount of Reality TV we have these days.

Q: Yeah it looks like the world found its next big fix.



N: I saw a show yesterday where women fight with toothpicks all afternoon in order to marry some rich guy who is obviously going to turn out to be some jobless moron.

Q: Oh yeah. I saw that one too. It’s getting quite crazy.



N: I think it’s ridiculous. Targeting the mindless drones who do nothing but feed off the misery of others to give their own lives a false sense of meaning when all they are really doing is eroding every single bit of their soul in their heartless quest for lasting entertainment. Then the next day these people sit around at home or at work arguing incessantly with whoever is around about who will survive the next episode.



Q: Well said, N. Well said!

N: Thanks.

Q: Sure.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: The blonde’s gonna win the next fight isn’t she?

Q: My money’s on the chubby redhead.

N: No way. The blonde has a brilliant stab-action.

Q: The redhead’s low centre of gravity lets her avoid those stabs.

N: But the blonde has more to aim at…

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 84

Q: What’s up?

N: Nothing. Fixing code which isn’t mine.

Q: Ah okay.

N: Yeah. It’s amazing how some people actually think they’re done when they leave some of the most important standards out.



Q: It happens, I suppose.

N: It’s not supposed to happen. That’s what we were trained for. To save people like me valuable time fixing code which should have been right in the first place.

Q: Everyone goofs up, N.

N: They shouldn’t.



Q: I think you’re over-critical. You love finding faults in people.

N: That’s not true.



Q: Yes it is.

N: No it’s not.



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: You know, YOUR biggest fault is that you think I am over-critical.



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: Oh.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 82

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: N, I really want you to stop calling me Under-utilized and overrated resource number two.

N: Why’s that?



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Because it’s not my name. It’s offensive, and it’s quite demoralizing because everybody seems to be calling me that right now.

N: Oh, I didn’t look at it that way.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Yes. Besides we’re all in the same boat. You’re the same as me. You’re under-utilized and overrated too. We’re all in this same pointlessly inconsequential state of existence. I have a heart too, you know.

N: Okay I see your point. I won’t call you that any more.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Thank you.



N: From now on, you’re Pointless and Inconsequential Entity With A Heart.



Pointless and Inconsequential Entity With A Heart: ….

N: ….

Pointless and Inconsequential Entity With A Heart: ….



N: You’re welcome.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 81

N: So then I said “Hey, Mr. Fisherman I told you to hit delete, not enter!!” *bursts into laughter*

Q: *bursts into laughter*

N: Is that B? She’s coming this way.

Q: Wow. I think she is.



*B enters their cubicle*



B: Hi. Do you know where I can find G’s cubicle?

N: *wide-eyed stare*

Q: *wide-eyed stare*



B: ….

N: *wide-eyed stare*

Q: *wide-eyed stare*



B: Umm.. G? Cubicle? Work-space? Anything?

N: *wide-eyed stare*

Q: *wide-eyed stare*



B: *Shakes head and leaves*



N: Why didn’t you say anything?

Q: Why didn’t you?

N: No reason.

Q: Same here.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: I was hoping you’d say something stupid so I could say something after you and leave a good impression with her.

Q: Same here.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Well at least we both still have a shot.

Q: High-five!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 80

Q: Well I completed my self-appraisal. Now I just need to submit it, and it’s all up to my manager to seal my appraisal for the quarter.

N: Great. I hope you gave yourself a 10 in everything.

Q: Of course not. I was honest.

N: Honest?

Q: Yes.



N: Honesty is pointless. You’re going to submit your appraisal to somebody who is least interested in doing it. So he’s not even going to care about what you’ve given yourself. He’s just going to approve it. So while you’ve gone ahead and given him some honest feedback, somebody else with half the talent has just given himself a 10/10 in every category and will find his appraisal much higher than yours.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: Well these appraisals don’t matter anyway. I get my final rating based on the peer-review.

N: Oh, right. The peer review. Where everyone gives the other a lower rating.



Q: Well, yeah but in the end it goes to my manager who will decide. Who knows our performance better than our manager?

N: The same manager who might refer to your appraisal for the quarter?



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: You’re welcome.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 79

Low Self-Esteem Guy: N! Q! I need your help. Quick!

N: What happened?



Low Self-Esteem Guy: My boss called me and halfway through the conversation the call got dropped. I don’t know if I should call back! If I keep trying him while he’s trying me, it’ll tick him off. If I don’t call when he’s expecting my call, it’ll tick him off. If I pause, then try, he might have paused and tried as well and as a result it’ll tick him off! If I don’t think of something soon I might have to destroy my phone!



N: Well I think you should wait for him to call back. What do you think, Q?

Q: No, I think the boss is expecting a call back.



N: But he called in the first place.

Q: Exactly why the call should be returned. It’s courtesy.

N: No it’s not. It’s only fair.

Q: It’s fair if he calls his boss.

N: His boss earns way more than he does.

Q: That’s not the point.



Low Self-Esteem Guy: Will SOMEBODY PLEASE tell me what I should do NOW?!



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Oh fine, call him back.

Q: Actually no, wait for him to call.



N: ….

Q: ….



N and Q together: Destroy the phone.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 78

Q: What have you been busy with all morning?

N: I volunteered for the ‘Save our children’ initiative.



Q: *bursts into laughter*

N: ….



Q: Since when did you care about children?

N: I’ve always cared.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: N, your solution to starvation was to let starvation win, so there would be fewer starving people.

N: I was just being practical.

Q: Right. So what are you saving the children from, exactly?

N: You know. Problems. Kids face a lot of problems these days.

Q: Such as?

N: Well it’s just that their lives are so difficult you know. Being kids. Children are the most affected type of kids.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: There’s a good looking woman in the team, isn’t there?

N: Yeah, B.

Q: I knew it!

N: Yeah.

Q: You’re too shallow to care about kids. You’re using them to get a foot in the door with B.

N: Yep.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: So where can I sign up?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 77

Q: N, do you know the way to the Nine Seasons Hotel?

N: Is that the one on P Drive or H Street?

Q: H Street.



N: As you get out of the parking lot, go left. Go straight for about 10 miles and head off the highway.

Q: Okay.



N: Then you take the *pauses for thought* fourth right turn.

Q: Fourth?



N: Yeah. There are a couple of smaller right turns which I’m not counting.

Q: How do I know what is a “small” right?

N: Well assuming a normal right turn is a ninety degree one, these are around about sixty.

Q: Is that from the Y-axis or the X?

N: Which is the Y and which is the X?

Q: Let’s say the Y axis grows upwards and the X axis grows to the right.

N: But that depends on which way you’re facing. Are you facing the original road or the turn?

Q: The original road is the one where I’m on and the turn is the one which I’m considering taking? Or the one I should eventually end up taking?

N: The original road is the one you’re on before making the right. The turn refers to any of these smaller turns which we’re trying to distinguish right now. So if you’re facing the original road, it’s the Y axis.

Q: Alright. So it’s just the angle?

N: Well the type of road is also a little different. The turn-off has a more ‘gravelly’ feel to it. Don’t confuse it with the actual gravel on the road. This just ‘feels’ gravelly.



Q: Oh okay. So I need to take the fourth right turn after getting off the highway. There are couple of turns which I can ignore in my count and I can identify these turns by approximating their angle with the Y axis which will be calculated while I’m still on the original road I’m on before taking the turn. I can also distinguish between the road I should and shouldn’t take by noticing that the wrong road has a gravelly feel to it, but does not really have a lot of gravel in its composition. So does that mean the gravel is spread out on the road then? Construction work?



N: No, it just ‘feels’ like there’s gravel on the road. There’s no real loose gravel around.

Q: Okay. But how will I know the wrong road has the gravelly feel without taking the wrong road?



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Where were you going again?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 76

Q: This is crazy. My boss just gave me a lousy appraisal after all my work.

N: Oh?

Q: Yeah. This is ridiculous!

N: You should do something about it.



Q: I’m trying to think of the best way to do something. Maybe I should confront him. I really feel like giving him a piece of my mind!

N: ….

Q: I’m so mad right now!! Ugh! I’m going to tell him off.

N: The most powerful things, can be achieved using only a pen.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: So you think I should mail him or write him a strongly worded letter?

N: No. I’m saying you should carry a pen and stab him with it.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 75

Q: Well I’m confused.

N: Why?

Q: My manager sent me an issue which he says is not an issue but still needs to be addressed.

N: Come again?

Q: I have an issue to deal with, which isn’t an issue.



N: So if it’s not an issue, what is it? And why does it need to be dealt with?

Q: I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense.



N: Yeah. One would assume something that has to be dealt with inherently becomes an issue. So saying something is a non-issue that still has to be dealt with is just plain crazy.

Q: My thoughts exactly. So how do you go about solving an issue that’s not an issue?



N: Is there a procedure for issues?

Q: Yes.

N: And I’m guessing non-issues are ignored?

Q: Yes.

N: So then you acknowledge his giving you the task and ignore it.



Q: Are you sure?

N: Yes. It seems logical.

Q: Okay. Thanks.

N: No need to thank me. It’s not an issue.



Q: So it’s not an issue?

N: No, I meant that your act of thanking me was unnecessary and helping you out was not an issue.

Q: Oh. So then it IS an issue?



N: The helping you out part or the task?

Q: Both.

N: One isn’t and the other demonstrates enough characteristics to be one, but shouldn’t be treated like one.



Q: And people think our lives are complicated.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 74

N: How long has Low Self-Esteem Guy been in the conference room?

Q: About 6 hours.

N: Wow.

Q: I think he’s in ‘The Zone of no return.’

N: Oh my god! Not THE zone of no return?

Q: That’s the one.

N: Oh wow. I didn’t know that still happened.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: What’s ‘The Zone of no return’?

Q: Oh my god. He doesn’t know.

N: Well, Under-utilized and overrated resource number two, ‘The Zone of no return’ is when you’re in a voice conference and then suddenly there’s an awkward pause. Neither of you say anything and slowly the gap of time keeps growing. Eventually, it reaches astronomical sizes and you can end up staying silent for hours together. Legend has it that this could even last for days, months or years.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: That’s ridiculous. Why doesn’t one of them just speak up?

N: Well if either speaks now, it will mean they could have said the same thing hours ago and that would make the speaker look bad.

Q: And nobody wants to look bad.



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: This is really ridiculous. I’m not falling for it.

Q: Well it’s true.



N: Wait! Low Self-Esteem Guy is holding up a piece of paper against the door. What does it say?

Q: He wants some food and a toothbrush.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: You people are ridiculous.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: This is history in the making.

Q: I’ll get the camera.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 73

N: I just received a mail asking me for an “accurate estimate” of the time I will take to finish my task.

Q: Accurate estimate? That’s an oxymoron.



N: Sure is. Just like “bug fix”.

Q: Or “civil war”.

N: Or “crash landing”.

Q: Or “extremely calm”.



N: Yeah.

Q: Yeah.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: Okay I’m out of oxymorons.

Q: Me too.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: This is “going nowhere”.

Q: That’s an acceptable “initial conclusion”.



N: ….

Q: ….



N: We will never be cool, will we?

Q: I “feel numb”.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 72

N: (whistle, whistle)

Q: ….



N: (whistle, whistle)

Q: ….



N: (whistle, whistle)

Q: Do you mind not whistling, please? I’m working.

N: Oh. Sorry.

Q: Thanks.



N: (sigh)

Q: ….

N: (knuckle crack)

Q: ….

N: (pen tapping on desk)

Q: ….

N: (puts speaker-phone on and off again and again)



Q: Gah!! Just whistle, will you!

N: Alright, alright. Relax. I’ll be quiet.



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….



N: (whistle, whistle)

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 71

Q: Well that had to be one of my worst presentations ever.

N: Oh come on. It wasn’t THAT bad.

Q: You don’t have to make me feel better, N. I know it was horrible.

N: No, no. It wasn’t.

Q: You can be honest. I can take constructive criticism.



N: Well it was horrible.

Q: Yeah.

N: I mean ridiculously horrible.

Q: Okay.

N: I mean so ridiculously horrible you would imagine levels that low didn’t exist.

Q: I get it.



N: I mean seriously. Even if you tried to imagine the worst precedent for a presentation, you would still not be able to come up with something like that.

Q: ….

N: ….

Q: ….

N: I mean –

Q: Okay!! I get it!!



N: ….

Q: ….



N: On the bright side, you DID say ‘excuse me’ when you burped.

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 70

Q: Wanna play a game?

N: Oh well. What game?

Q: We use sentences to describe each other except that sentence MUST contain the sound of our names. It’s like verbal jousting.



N: As in?

Q: Well I might say, “Your level of being ridiculous has no N.” where I mean to use “N” as the word “end”. Then if you can’t come up with a reply for me in the same way, you lose.

N: Oh. So basically we’re using the other’s name to cleverly insult him.

Q: Yeah.



N: Alright.

Q: Shall we play?

N: Sure.

Q: Wanna start?

N: Glad to.

Q: Okay, go.



N: You’re a @#$%, Q.



Q: ….

N: ….



Q: That’s not how it works.

N: I like this game. Can I start again?

Q: Die.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 69

Q’s Lessons in Managing Work Relationships:



***



Hi. Today we’ll be dealing with ‘Happiness’ or ‘Joy’. Many times at work, or a few times in the case of a Software Engineer, you will find reasons to be happy.



***



Q: Wow. I just got put in Performance band “A” for my work so far.

N: Really?

Q: Yeah this is great!



***



It is however, important to keep your emotions under control. Demonstrating too much happiness tends to de-motivate those around you who might not have received the same reason to be happy.



***



N: Well this is a good thing. I’m happy for you.



***



Always acknowledge well wishers, especially if this places you in a better position than them. Some modesty would help. Being modest puts you back on equal terms and in good terms with your colleague. Being modest by saying your achievement isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, invites some deserving praise from your colleague, followed by a friendly end to the conversation…



***



Q: Thank you, N. But we all know these ratings don’t really mean anything anyway.

N: Hmm you’re right. You should stop wasting your time and get back to work.



***



…Unless your colleague is N.



***

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 68

N: Did you hear? 6 people quit my project last week.

Q: Wow.

N: Yeah. This attrition is getting to be ridiculous!

Q: I don’t understand it.



N: It’s simple. Money. That’s what everyone wants.

Q: Yeah money-minded heartless people.

N: Self-centered mercenaries.

Q: Totally. It’s all about money.

N: Money, money, money.

Q: Shame.

N: Real shame.



(Some moments pass)



N: Q, would you quit if somebody paid you more?

Q: Well.. how much more?

N: Does it matter?

Q: No I’d quit.

N: Me too.

Q: I like mercenaries.