Cubicle Conundrum - Day 28

N: (On the phone) Under-utilized and overrated resource number two, the boss wants those reports done, STAT.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Stat?

N: You heard me. Get those done. He wants those reports, STAT.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Umm okay. Is it important and urgent?

N: Sheesh, Under-utilized and overrated resource number two, didn’t you hear me say STAT?

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Okay, okay. And my name is not-

N: (hangs up)



Q: ….

N: ….

Q: Do you enjoy doing that?

N: Like a pig in mud.

Q: What does ‘STAT’ mean anyway?

N: I don’t know. But it sure meant something in that war movie that was on last night.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 27

N: (Shouting across the room)Hey, New Guy.. I mailed you the test reports to go over.

New Guy: Stop calling me that. I have a name.

N: Relax, New Guy. You’ve got enough stress already.

New Guy: My name is NOT ‘New Guy’.



Q: (Whispering to N)Maybe you shouldn’t call him ‘New Guy’. It’s rude and takes away his identity.

N: (Shouting across the room)New Guy, do you find what I call you offensive?

New Guy: (Steps over to N’s cubicle) I do. I would appreciate you not calling me that. Besides, I joined your team a year ago as the SECOND person and I ONLY joined ONE DAY after you did.



N: Well if you put it that way.. How does ‘Under-utilized and overrated resource number two’ sound?

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: (blank stare)

N: Well, Under-utilized and overrated resource number two, I’m glad we could discuss this in a mature way.

Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: (turns and walks)



Q: ….

N: Hey, it’s not my fault he didn’t like ‘New Guy’.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Introducing a new addition to the cast:



Under-utilized and overrated resource number two: Just another Software Engineer

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 26

‘The quest for the raise’



N: So I asked my boss about a raise.

Q: Oh. And?

N: He asked me again and I said that’s about time I saw a twenty percent hike.

Q: Asked you again? Oh wait, he’s deaf in one ear.

N: Yeah. Well anyway, I asked him for a twenty percent hike and, for a change, he seemed really excited about it. I mean really, really excited.

Q: Wow. That’s odd. He’s excited about the company spending more money? Are you sure you conveyed the message clearly?

N: Yes I did. Even if he missed it the first time I’m sure he heard me the second time. Anyway he said he’ll get back to me in a couple of hours.

Q: When was this?

N: A couple of hours ago.

Q: Oh he’ll reply any time now.

N: Yeah.



(A few minutes pass)



Q: Umm N, did you just get the mass mailer?

N: Haven’t checked my mail, why?

Q: What did you ask for again?

N: A twenty percent hike.

Q: Well I hope you enjoy the outdoors because your department is organizing a ’20 person hike’ and you’re in charge.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 25

Q: Well I’m finally done.

N: Eh?

Q: With my module. I have a review after the weekend on Monday. I’m done. Now for a nice long weekend!

N: Great news.

Q: Yeah. I’ve been working on this for months.

N: That’s nice. So.. Monday huh?

Q: Yup.

N: Monday, Monday, Monday.

Q: Yeah.

N: Hmm.

Q: Okay what about Monday?



N: Oh it’s err probably nothing.

Q: ….Just tell me.

N: When were you informed that your review would be on Monday?

Q: Yesterday. It was supposed to be today, but they advanced it. I suppose no one feels like working on a Friday.

N: Well you DO know what that means?

Q: What does it mean?



N: They clearly went behind your back and did a preliminary analysis on your code and realized that it is quite sub-standard in certain aspects which cannot be overlooked during a review. Hence, they found it fitting to give you the weekend to try and sort things out.

Q: Wh- what?

N: You DO know they have access to your code all the time?

Q: Well yes, but-

N: Then it’s settled. Never mind. You have the weekend to work on it.



Q: Is this another one of your schemes?

N: I could reassuringly give you an answer, but you will realize that whether or not what I said was out of true intentions, there still exists a tiny probabilistic chance of me being right and that is a chance that you cannot afford to take considering the magnitude of this review.



Q: I hate you. I really do.

N: You’re welcome.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 24

N: Did you get the email about the management’s attempts to revamp the policy structure to be more employee friendly in a bid to curb attrition now that the recession is finally dying down?

Q: Yes, but I haven’t gone through it yet. Could you give me the gist of it?

N: Ok. Sure.

Q: Great.



N: ….

Q: ….

N: ….



Q: Well?

N: ….

Q: ….

N: ….



Q: I see.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 23

Q: What are the headphones for?

N: Oh this? This is my new Opple p-Pod.

Q: Wow. Bonus?

N: No. I'm faking being rich.

Q: Would that explain your new p-Phone too?

N: Yup.



Q: Why are you doing this exactly?

N: Creating an impression that even with so much money, I'm extremely committed to my work. Hence, people like my boss will assume that I must inherently have an extremely strong ethical foundation in my values leading to glowing reports and a speedy promotion even though I'm actually borrowing from eight different people to finance my splurging, thereby creating a finely balanced system of borrowing and returning which renders me crippled and with no choice but to work incredibly hard to numb the pain that is this torrid reality I must face every morning and every night.



Q: Oh come on. I'm not going to believe that. Loan sharks are notoriously cruel and you wouldn't be stupid enough to actually borrow money from them.

N: But that's exactly what I did.

Q: Are you trying to fool me again?

N: No.



Q: ....

N: ....



Q: Come on you can stop now. I get it.

N: They might cut off a finger tomorrow..

Q: I know you're lying. Stop it.

N: ..Or maybe a toe..

Q: They are birthday gifts, aren't they?

N: ..There are only six left anyway..

Q: Gah!!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 22

Q: Guess what? I joined a charitable organization.

N: Right.

Q: No, seriously.

N: Riiight.



Q: Yeah. We provide self help to the downtrodden.

N: So you PROVIDE self help? That doesn’t even make sense.

Q: It does too.

N: Okay what do you do?



Q: We collect funding from those who can afford to spare us some and then run our weekly awareness sessions to educate the less fortunate about how they have unknowingly had complete control of their lives all along and merely lacked the will power to change the course of their lives.

N: Oh?

Q: Yep. Isn’t it great?

N: Let me get this straight..

Q: Oh boy. Here it comes.



N: So you collect money from the rich, to tell some poor people that their unfortunate current position is because of their own individual actions and nothing else? Therefore robbing them of any sense of comfort they might harbor using the old ‘life screwed me over’ argument? Which might, in turn, put them in an even frailer state of mind than that which currently exists? In essence, you collect money to pull the carpet out from under feet of some poor, unsuspecting vulnerable human beings?

Q: ….

N: ….



Q: I don’t know why I even mentioned it to you.

N: You’re welcome.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 21

N: Don’t you just love the first day of a new assignment?

Q: Hmm.

N: It’s always so exciting to get down to a new task.

Q: What are you supposed to do?

N: Research.

Q: What kind?

N: I’m supposed to devise an efficient counter-measure to the biggest hindrances to a project’s smooth progress.

Q: Such as?

N: Stretching budgets, verbal and unrecorded instructions, excessive meetings and meaningless deadlines.



Q: Do you get funded?

N: Yeah. How much funding depends on what I need.



Q: Do you have a requirements document?

N: No. My boss told me to do this while we were at the coffee machine.



Q: Deadline?

N: As long as it takes.



Q: When do you start?

N: We meet tomorrow to discuss the appropriate time for the kick-off meeting.

Q: Good luck.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 20

N: Aargh..

Q: What happened?

N: I’ve been working for two hours straight.

Q: Well I’ve heard that when you are facing something incredibly boring and monotonous, you need to clear your mind.

N: How?

Q: Picture somebody who bores or frustrates you. Stare at that person if he or she is around, and imagine the person wearing something ridiculously funny.

N: Interesting thought. But my work isn’t boring or frustrating for a change. It’s just hectic.

Q: Oh. Well we can just chat and chill out for a while then.

N: Hmm.

Q: Yesterday, I had a friend over and we were up till about 3 in the morning watching any movie we could find.

N: Hmm okay.

Q: We started off with a supposed comedy which ended up being a bitter disappointment. And then we saw “Lost in Transliteration” which left us wondering why the movie was even made.

N: ….

Q: Oh that reminds me, an aunt recommended that movie to me once. You know, the aunt with the fish breath… And-

N: ….

Q: N? Why are you staring like that?

N: ….

Q: That grin on your face better be about the fish-breath.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 19

N: I’ll be right back.

Q: Where are you off to?

N: Submitting a claim for reimbursement of expenses.

Q: Didn’t you do that last week? Three hundred bucks?

N: Yeah last week I had to submit the preliminary form and obtain provisional approval.

Q: Oh. And now?

N: Now I find out the status of my provisional approval and submit a three page account of the nature of my expenses and why I deserve reimbursement.

Q: So you’ve prepared the three page report?

N: Of course not. First I need to write a letter to the Manager in-charge of provisional approval requesting a shift of status from ‘Provisional’ to ‘Kinda Serious’.

Q: Oh.

N: Upon the manager’s approval I need to perform my most capable rendition of the South Hocseinish* National Anthem backwards, for which I’ve hired a South Hocseinish consultant who works with me for 75 bucks an hour, 2 hours a day for three days a week.

Q: ….

N: Provided my vocal skills are competent, I can then submit my three page account and get it signed off by the Regional Manager for Kinda Serious Claims to certify that it is a valid claim.

Q: So, THEN you get your money?

N: No. Then comes the background check, for which I need to bear expenses. The background check involves about 50 privately contracted agents following me and speaking to my next of kin to gauge my standing as a human being.

Q: ….

N: THEN I get my money.

Q: All this for three hundred bucks?

N: Yeah.

Q: What about the money you lose trying to get the reimbursement in the first place?

N: Are you really that stupid? I just have to file another claim for reimbursement.





*South Hocsein - A remote country. Pronounced (South hok-sine). And no, there is no North Hocsein.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 18

N: You haven’t looked away from your screen all day. What’s up?

Q: I have a code-walkthrough tomorrow.

N: With whom?

Q: Some guy onsite. I need to explain how my code works via video conference.

N: So what’s the problem?

Q: I haven’t finished my module yet!

N: So? That’s no cause for concern.

Q: How can it not be?!

N: Well I was in your position last week, and my on-site manager was based in Argentina. I just talked in a very matter of fact way, reciting names of Argentinian footballers, thereby pretending to speak the local language. I did take the effort of repeating a few names again and again to make them appear to form a part of our regular vocabulary. Being the conceited manager he was, he ended up being far too immersed in his superiority complex to acknowledge that he didn’t speak the language too. In the end, I got away scot free without him saying a word in response.

Q: There is NO WAY that worked.

N: My post-walkthrough report congratulated me on my “Maradona”.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PS: There will be no Cubicle Conundrum tomorrow as I'm on leave. Cheers!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 17

N: I’m finally free. I can teach you the algorithm now.

Q: Great. I really have no clue what it’s about.

N: That’s alright. I’ve worked on it a while ago. I still remember most of it. Let’s begin.



(An hour passes)



N: ..So the entering variable should be de-fuzzified based on the fuzziness quotient, but only provided the elasticity of the standard measure matrix is decoupled with its absolute value. And finally you convert the derived value into its native base form before calculating it’s logarithmic equivalent and multiplying it by seven million, nine thousand, three hundred and forty eight point six five three eight zero one nine.

Q: Wait.. I thought you didn’t have to take the logarithmic value?

N: You do. And once you multiply, you need to stand up and do an ancient Mayan ritualistic dance before piercing yourself with a 16 inch iron nail through the nose.



Q: …..

N: …..



Q: At which point did you start making it up?

N: Somewhere after I said “Let’s begin”.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 16

Q: (Sigh)

N: Penny for your thoughts?

Q: You don’t really care. Don’t bother.

N: Come on. I’m here if you need to talk.

Q: Fine. My new boss thinks I’m a lazy lout.

N: How come?

Q: He happened to pass by while I was waking up from a 5 minute nap.

N: Oh.

Q: My career is destroyed now. This isn’t fair. I work my #$% off the whole day.

N: Things like this happen all the time.

Q: But it isn’t fair!

N: Of course it isn’t. That’s life. Look at me for instance.

Q: Hmm?

N: I work lesser than you, spend more time slacking off, cut more corners, procrastinate and still, my boss loves me.

Q: Right.

N: He thinks I’m fantastic at my job. I’ll be up for a promotion whenever it’s due. My appraisals will be top notch.

Q: Yeah…

N: You on the other hand will probably get an average appraisal, an admonishment for being too lazy and probably a slap on the wrist for not contributing enough.

Q: Okay, just stop. Your so-called pep talk isn’t really working.

N: Are you kidding? I feel great!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 15

Q: My boss resigned and someone’s replaced him today.

N: Okay.

Q: Now I need to make an impression all over again.

N: I see. Well, my boss thinks I’m one of the most analytical and hard working people in the team.

Q: But you aren’t.

N: Does it matter?

Q: How the hell do you do that?

N: It’s quite simple. Every time the boss passes by, just squint at the screen as if somebody is shining a torch in your face. You might also want to shake your head in disapproval as if to say “Hmm that can’t be right”. Analytical – check.

Q: That works?

N: Also shift a little on your seat. This indicates that you haven’t moved for a while since you were too busy contemplating whatever it is you’re working with. Hard-working – check.

Q: This is ridiculous. What happens when you have no results to show for it?

N: I do my Harrison Ford face and pretend to be mad at everyone. He thinks I’m upset with my lack of contribution and is willing to give me another opportunity.

Q: You’re insane. This is never going to work. You’re no good at what you do.

N: ………

Q: N? (swivels the chair around to check)

N: ………

Q: Oh, I’m sorry I thought you were ignoring me. Carry on with your work. (swivels around to the PC again)

N: ………

Q: Wait a minute…

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 14

N: Q, Am I a good person?

Q: Good Person? You? The guy who ‘thinks’ good deeds?

N: I think I am.

Q: No you're not.

N: I generally do keep people's well being in my head.

Q: No you don't.

N: I mean, sure, I've done my share of selfish things but then I'm a very kind-hearted soul, don't you think?

Q: No, I don't.

N: Yeah, all those times when I've behaved unscrupulously selfishly have no real weightage considering all the good I've done.

Q: You're not even listening to me, are you?

N: My karma quotient is definitely on the positive side. I think I'm doing a fine job as a human being.

Q: You're using my mere presence as a tool to wrongfully boost your sense of self-worth so you can feel good about yourself when you shouldn't. You’re using my completely unrelated replies to form some semblance of a conversation to endorse your own twisted and deluded beliefs about being a good human being when you’re not.

N: Just a little longer and I should get some kind of award for my service to humanity.

Q: I hate you.

N: Then again I'm not doing this for the recognition. I’m glad we had this discussion.

Q: Die. Now.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 13

N: All my good deeds have paid off. I have now attained enlightenment.

Q: Right, and I'm the King of the World.

N: Your petty sarcasm has no effect on me.

Q: Okay, oh enlightened one.. What's the purpose of life?

N: It is purpose that created us. Purpose that connects us. Purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drive us. It is purpose that defines, purpose that binds us.

Q: That’s not really an answer.

N: What is “real”? How do you define "real"? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then "real" is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.

Q: Wait. You’re not enlightened. You’re just rephrasing lines from ‘The Matrix’! That’s why your eyes are heavy. You were up all night watching the entire Matrix Trilogy weren’t you?

N: Of course not.

Q: Oh, so the fact that all your lines were spoken in the movie are a coincidence?

N: Where some people see coincidence, I see consequence.

Q: Gah! Stop it. You’re about as enlightened as a spoon!

N: There is no spoon.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 12

Q: Still ‘doing’ those good deeds?

N: Of course.

Q: You’re being a hypocrite.

N: No, I’m doing good deeds.

Q: Thinking about them does NOT count.

N: I resent that. I don’t just think. I can prove it. This morning an old lady tripped in a puddle in front of me.

Q: Oh, you helped her up?

N: No.

Q: Gave her your handkerchief?

N: No.

Q: Did you at least ask her if she was okay?

N: No.

Q: Great. What DID you do?

N: It’s more about what I DIDN’T do.

Q: Okay what DIDN’T you do?

N: Step on her.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 11

N: I’ve decided to do turn over a new leaf.

Q: You’re killing yourself?

N: I’ve decided to do at least three good deeds every day to build up good karma.

Q: You? I don’t believe it. What do you plan on doing today?

N: Well it’s true.

Q: Okay well, what do you plan on doing today?

N: I thought I might help you run those test cases. Then I thought I could donate some money to that children’s home down the street. I also thought that since Z just joined, I could help her settle into her new job.

Q: Well that’s just wonderful. I’ll mail you the test cases right away.

N: Are you mad? I’m not going to help you.

Q: Then how are you doing a good deed?

N: I already did. It’s the thought that counts.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 10

Q: You know what really fascinates me?

N: Tell me.

Q: Recursion. Simply amazing.

N: Amazing? How?

Q: It’s just so brilliant.

N: Brilliant? How?

Q: Well I.. it’s just so mesmerizing.

N: Mesmerizing? How?

Q: You just get sucked into it, you know?

N: Sucked into it? How?

Q: So many actions linked up. It’s so complicated.

N: Oh? Complicated? How?

Q: You just can’t resist wondering how long it can go on cause it could be incredibly deep.

N: Really? Incredibly deep? How?

Q: I hate you.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 9

Q: Gah!!!! %#$#$%@#%$#

N: Wow what happened?

Q: I’ve been trying to fix this #$@#$%# issue in my code for the last six hours and I’m getting NOWHERE!!!

N: Did you make sure you didn’t change anything when you optimized?

Q: Of course I did. I’m not a daft idiot.

N: Are you sure you wrote your test programs right?

Q: Yes, I even re-wrote them thrice!

N: Did you recalibrate the calibrated parameters pertaining to tuning calibration?

Q: Say what?

N: I said, did you recalibrate the calibrated parameters pertaining to tuning calibration?

Q: Are you doing that thing where you pretend to know what you’re talking about so you can give yourself the selfish satisfaction of having tried even though you didn’t?

N: What about clarifying rastered cluster heaps for dynamic allocation?

Q: Stop making up words.

N: I’ll bet you didn’t sphygmomanize the carstopherics with the updated ballooned status q upgrades.

Q: I hate you.

N: Try manipulating the fluxponders to optimal concentration.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 8

Q: What are you doing?

N: Inventing.

Q: Huh?

N: My boss thinks I don't add enough value so I'm inventing.

Q: Wow. That's a good thing.

N: Yeah I'm hoping to really give him something that will strengthen my weakening position as an invaluable member of my team.

Q: That's a great way to take criticism.

N: Yeah, plus I think I'm onto something.

Q: Awesome, let me hear your idea.

N: Okay how's this - "I'm afraid if I add more value the customer won't be able to afford us."

Q: Wait, WHAT are you inventing?

N: An excuse.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 7

N: You know, Q, the more I think about life, the more I realize how much we all lack a sense of purpose. Each day we go about doing things to fulfill our whims and fancies unable to reconcile with the fact that we are merely existential pawns in a world controlled by an absence of control, trapped forever in the recesses of a seemingly pointless existence where everything we do, and everything we say has little consequence to anything that is worth something in the grand scheme of things. I think it's about time we started doing things only if they had a true greater purpose.



Q: You might just be on to something, there.



N: (Nods)



Q: (Blank stare)

N: (Blank stare)

Q: (Blank stare)

N: (Blank stare)

Q: (Blank stare)

N: (Blank stare)

Q: (Blank stare)

N: (Blank stare)

Q: (Blank stare)



N: (Blink)

Q: Ha! I win.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 6

N: I'm up for my appraisal this week.

Q: Excited?

N: No.

Q: Scared?

N: No.

Q: Anxious?

N: No.

Q: Well that's good. Everyone knows it's just a matter of kissing your evaluator's butt, anyway.

N: Ridiculous. I need to do no such thing. My work is flawless. And I will NOT lower myself to such an unnecessary level of demeaning behavior.

Q: Good for you. I'm proud of you.



(An hour passes)



N: Say, Q, is "Your unconditionally obedient slave crippled by the sheer awesomeness that is your radiant aura" an appropriate sign off for an email?

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 5

Q: You look awfully depressed today. Bummed about the whole on-site thing?

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: You can talk to me if you want.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: I mean it. I know we’re just colleagues, but I’m here if you want to talk about something.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: Really, it’s okay. You can talk to me.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: Well yeah sure, be that way.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: I don’t need this from you. I’m only trying to help.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: I’m done.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: I’m not going to lower myself to your level. I’ve got way too much class.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: Screw you.

N: *depressed sigh*

Q: #$%*!@#$%^#$@#$@#$@@#$%!!!

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 4

Q: What’s news on your on-site opportunity?

N: My boss rejected my application.

Q: Why? You don’t know squat about what you’re doing. You’re perfect!

N: They gave it to the new guy based on a tie-breaker question.

Q: What was the question?

N: “What is the name of our customer?”

Q: Well you said you didn’t know so I suppose you would have proven your ignorance and therefore your sound credentials for going on-site.

N: Well that’s what I thought, but the other guy didn’t know either.

Q: I don’t get it. Then how did that end up being the tie-breaker question?

N: Well I answered I said I did not have the faintest clue.

Q: Okay, what did he say?

N: Nothing.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 3

Day 3:

N: A slot just opened up on-site on my project.

Q: Nice. Do you have a shot at it?

N: Well, technically yes. But there are other issues.

Q: Which are?

N: Well sure, I might go on-site but I really have no concrete knowledge about my project. I do not understand the communication framework we’re using between the different modules, I have no clue which interface is supposed to be used by which component, I haven’t the faintest idea about who our customer even is and…

Q: (Blank stare)

N: (Blank stare)

Q: (Blank Stare)

N: ..You’re right. I belong on-site. I’ll apply now.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 2

N: My boss is on leave today.
Q: I’m sure he gave you a fair share of work before he left.
N: Actually, no.
Q: No? He hasn’t emailed you about your work either?
N: No.
Q: Wait. So you’re free?
N: Yes.
Q: As in – no work?
N: Yes.. I mean no.. Whichever answer means I have no work.
Q: Do you know I have an unreasonable 2 hour deadline today?
N: Yes.
Q: Do you know I have to slog my ass off today while you do nothing but sip coffee?
N: Yes.
Q: I HATE YOU.
N: Hate my boss. He didn’t give me work.
(Little blue box of MS Outlook opens on N’s Screen)
Q (Observing N’s screen): You know what I love though?
N: What?
Q: Blackberrys.

Cubicle Conundrum - Day 1

Introduction - The Cast!

N - A Software Engineer

Q - N's Colleague. Also a software engineer.

N: Aren’t you tired of these pointless arguments on the company forum?

Q: Very. People should understand that the world has so many larger things to worry about than this #$%^.

N: I know. I wish they’d stop wasting their time on such obviously meaningless banter and get down to the things which really matter.

Q: Good to know I have some company in thinking that way.



(An hour passes)



N: Say, I heard this rumor that the manager around here shrinks human heads and feeds it to his pet lizard.

Q: I heard it was an iguana.

N: An iguana is a lizard.

Q: No it’s not.

N: Yes it is.

Q: No it’s not.

N: Yes it is.